Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Things You Should Know About Getting Back With Your Ex


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Breaking up is no easy business, and staying apart isn’t either, especially for a relationship in which you had invested much.

When you love someone, and you break up with them, it’s similar to situations where a drug addict needs to get over an addiction. The withdrawal and healing process is likely to be long and painful. You will need strength and time to heal. You will need internal and external support mechanisms. During the withdrawal period you will think a lot about your ex, and what you had, and what could have been. This is normal, even for really bad, destructive relationships, like in relationships where there was physical and emotional abuse. This is because even in bad relationships there are usually periods of wonderful times shared by you and your partner. And what gets us often is when we choose to focus only on the good times. By doing this we work to re-entrap ourselves in that relationship, and we slowly drift back into it, especially if our ex is there, ready and willing to welcome us back with open arms.

We sometimes choose to stay in denial or comfort ourselves by believing that our ex has changed, particularly if he or she has been begging us to come back, swearing that they are a changed person, has gone to counseling, and/or keeps promising us to do things differently. They know you are at a weak and vulnerable period due to the loss of the relationship, and this is what they prey on—your weakness and vulnerability. When you feel the greatest urge to go back into that relationship is when you most need to be strong. Resist any temptation to communicate with your ex, unless maybe you feel there is need to communicate for closure. While some people walk away and never look back, others are built differently; they feel compelled to talk to their ex for closure.

This rules against drifting back into the arms of your ex are, however, not cut and dried, and may not be applicable to all breaks-up. Some people have clean, mature, civil break-ups for reasons other than the fact that the relationship was a mess. In those instances, it is perfectly fine to try and reconcile if the reasons why you separated have been worked out, giving you both a clear path to restart your relationship. But with acrimonious, belligerent relationships, getting back together is likely to be a disaster waiting to happen. History is likely to repeat itself, the chance of the relationship getting worse is high; and another break-up is likely.

It has been suggested that if you focus on the bad aspects of the relationships, it will serve as a deterrent to reconciling. Remember the reason why you broke up with your ex and it will almost always prevent you from getting back together. Studies have shown that you will almost always leave your ex a second time for the said the reason you broke up with him or her in the first place. Be strong in the times you feel a wicked compulsion to reconcile with your ex. Let that urge to get back with him or her pass. Let bygones be bygones. Lick your wounds and move on. You may save yourself another heartbreak. Adults rarely change and this is mainly due to the fact that personalities are set long before we become adults.

Some of us have tremendous difficulties moving on from a past relationship. If it was one in which we argued or was abused by our exes, we may carry around guilt and shame, and blame ourselves for what has happened, even though it isn’t our fault that the ex could not control himself or herself. These negative emotions, such as self-blame, only work to block the healing process, and because of these emotions we feel, we think we need a second opportunity to make right the wrongs of the relationship, even when the wrongs may not be ours.

We cannot fix the behaviors of others, and going back trying to fix the past often leads to further chaos. It’s called Repetition Compulsion; you feel the need to revisit the ‘scene of the crime’, sometimes, literally.

When relationships go wrong, each party needs to take time off to search himself to see what went wrong, how it could have been avoided and ways in which they can improve their behavior to avoid a repeat in future relationships. And sometimes, even if you were not at fault, going back to the relationship will still spell disaster because there may be an issue of compatibility. No matter how good a person you are, if your partner is not a compatible match, you will continue to have problems. The same is true if you’re the trouble maker and your partner is a good person.

Call it quits; take the lessons learnt; stay away and heal completely, and give yourself an opportunity to meet someone you are compatible with, someone who will treat you right, respect you, and love you the way you deserve.

Good luck.

Copyright, Woman to Woman Blog Talk. All right reserved, 2011

Tell us about your experience with an old flame. Did it work out for you the second time around? Comment below.


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