Why Do Abusive Men Abuse?

Is your husband or partner abusive towards you? Why Do Men Abuse? And Their Denial or Minimization of the Abuse

[Although this may sound as if it's a simplistic question, there are greater underlying issues concerning why men abuse. Here's a rationale behind his abusive behavior, plus more common traits of an abusive personality. Whatever you do, remember domestic violence comes from learned behavior.]

by Sanctuary for the Abused

(we have used the male gender, your abuser could be female)

(‘battering’ can be extended to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)

Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.

Men who abuse their partners come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first.

Many batterers are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.

Characteristics of Domestic violence perpetrators:

• Seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner
• Punish their partner for resisting control.

Men who batter:

1. minimize the seriousness of their violence.
2. act impulsively.
3. distrust others.
4. need to control people and situations.
5. express feelings as anger. 

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that “if only” she had acted differently, he wouldn’t have abused her. Sometimes he will say, “You made me do it.”

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

 Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:

• observation
• experience
• culture
• family
• community (peer group, school, etc.)
•  (Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately. )

 Abuse is NOT caused by:

• mental illness
• ADD/ ADHD
• genetics
• alcohol and drugs
• out-of-control behavior
• anger
• stress
• behavior of the victim
• problems in the relationship

Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse. 

Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.

A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a “right” to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:

• “I hit the wall, not her head.”
• “She bruises easily.”
• “She just fell down the steps.”
• “Her face got in the way of my fist.”

 Characteristics of a Potential Batterer 

• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• “Playful” use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality
• History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extreme highs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness

 Manipulation

Abusers often try to manipulate the “system” by:

• Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children. 
• Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner’s financial hardship. 
• Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is “crazy” and making things up. 
• Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him. 
• Telling police she hit him, too.
• Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
• Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.
• Accusing her of stalking him and/or his family.
• Accusing her of harrassment.
• Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to “win” her back in some of these ways:

• Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
• Talking about his “difficult childhood”.
• Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they’ve had.
• Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner. Crying, begging for forgiveness.
• Promising it will “never happen again.” Promising to get counseling, to change.
• Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

Lies Abusers Tell

Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves (their partners and society):

“I just need to be understood”.

"I had a bad childhood.”

 “I can’t control it.”

 "I get angry.”

 “She fights too.”

 “She pushes my buttons.”

 “If I don’t control her, she will control me.”

 “My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”

 “I have a lot of stress in my life.”

 “I just have an anger management problem.”

 “I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”

 Link to original publication http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/why-do-abusive-men-batter-we-have-used.html

Do you think you’re in a relationship with an abuser? Tell us about your experience. Leave your comments below.

Remember, if you’re being abused or battered, it is your right to end it. It is your right to seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24 hour assistance. Call now! 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224

Has your abuser denied or minimize his violence against you? How did it make you feel? Share your experiences with us by commenting below.

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Healing Begins With Us

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by Zoe Mendez (Writer for Woman to Woman Blog Talk)

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Healing, whether recovering from a broken heart, betrayal, disappointment or lost loved one is a consistent, ongoing process. I wish I could tell you that healing from any level is easy breezy, because there is no easy way to recover from a loss, pass hurt, betrayal, or disappointment. It takes every ounce of determination, courage, and strength that is embedded in the depth of your being, and you really cannot accomplish that without faith in God.

I have discovered that the healing process only begins when we are ready to forgive and let go. Begin with self before moving along to others. A lot of times when a situation in our life does not work out well, our first natural instinctive reaction is to blame self. We launch our self-attack of if only, couldda, wouldda, shouldda. Maybe I should have said it another way, maybe if I could have, I would have done things differently... What we do not realize is that there really is a time and a season for everything, and in most instances when things do not turn out the way we expect it to, it is not our fault. It is usually no one's fault. People really do come into our lives for a reason and a season and when the time is right, even if you do not feel ready, the relationship will end without a warning and at times for the simplest, most flippant reason. It will feel as though you have been dropped from the tallest building; it is confusing, but it is just the way it is. Struggling to understand will only send you deeper into the confusion of trying to understand what happened.

The first part of the letting go process is acknowledgement. Acknowledge that life and everything that is a part of life is a cycle. Acknowledge that maybe there was nothing you could have done that would have changed the out come of the situation, that would be all speculation because most times life does not give us a second chance at the same exact situation with the same exact people. Though I have had experiences where it seemed as though I had come full-circle with a familiar situation, the circumstances were always different. My thought whenever that happened is always that maybe it was my opportunity to put the lesson learnt from the previous situation into action. So quit the blame game, every thing you experience has a lesson attached.

Take responsibility. We all have a conscience, and should have a good sense of what is right from wrong. Honest, self-introspection can help us to get clear in regards to the part we played in the situation or the other person's life. Sometimes an apology might be necessary, whether verbally or written. I believe in writing that way, you can say all that you need to say clearly and lovingly without interruption. Speaking face to face can be a little bit nerve wrecking and somewhat intimidating. Be the better man and say you are sorry if you need to. When you share what is in your heart then letting go and keeping the peace within becomes a little less burdensome.

Understand that what has happened or is happening is bigger than you and I. God has a plan and a purpose for everything that has occurred. Tucked away in every painful experience is a life changing lesson. Every disappointment comes with an opportunity to experience a miracle. We just have to learn to rise above the pain and get it, when we stop dwelling on the pain everything becomes crystal clear. There is a concept that I embrace, which is, we are all a part of a giant puzzle, we all have our part to play in each other lives. When we stop living as if we are on a one man's island, and stop being selfish, only then would we be able to live and experience the commandment of loving one another as we love self. Love and forgiveness is the signature that seals the deal to healing. The sooner we get that is the faster we heal.

However, I need to be clear that I am not endorsing allowing someone to wilfully dump on you. That would not be fair to anyone. You will always know when you are in a situation that is not right for you, and you may have to be the one to say enough is enough. Do so in a loving, kind way. There is a song that I refer to as the ultimate break up song from one of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s many compositions. It says, "Don’t write a letter when you want to leave, don't call me at 3a.m from a friend's apartment. I'll like to choose how I hear the news, take me to a park that's covered with trees, tell me on a Sunday please. Let me down easy, no big song and dance, no long faces, no long looks, no deep conversation... don’t leave in silence with no words at all, don’t get drunk and slam the door, that’s no way to end…" I am sure you get the drift. Breaking off a relationship is not easy; it really does require tact. Friendships and love relationships don’t always have to end in drama. Remember we can choose the way we want to end our relationship, whichever relation it is, ending with love and kindness will aid in the healing process.

I know many of us are still on a path to discovering a better way of day-to-day living. Try to appreciate the people we have in our lives as often as you can, as tomorrow is promised to no one. So just in case, if death is the one snatching love from your life you would be at peace knowing that you have expressed love and appreciation constantly and consistently, because one never really know when their season is about to change. When you are at peace with the way you lived with your loved ones, the journey to healing would be guilt free and less traumatic.

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Are you struggling with healing and forgiveness? Share your thoughts with us by commenting below.

10 Things Your Girlfriend Needs to Hear You Say

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by Best Dating Sites

There are certain phrases that a girl longs to hear from her guy. They are not random phrases, however; each phrase or word relates to a different situation. They also can be expressed in a variety of ways, but they do need to be communicated, and words work real well for that communication thing.

1.I’m proud of you. Let her know that you notice her significance and her talents. Be specific. If she works hard at her goals, let her know that you notice and acknowledge it. Brag on her in front of others too. That will mean even more.

2.I love being with you. Don’t assume that she knows this, just because you’re together so much. She needs to know that you are with her because you enjoy being with her, and that it isn’t just habit or a feeling of obligation.

3.Thank you. Don’t drop your manners, just because she’s your girlfriend. If she hands you something, say thank you. If makes you a meal, thank her for it. If she changes her plans for you, make sure she knows that you appreciate her sacrifice.

4.Can I help you? If she has work to do around the house, or she has volunteer work to do, offer to help her out, to work alongside of her. Even if she doesn’t take you up on the offer, the gesture will be appreciated.

5.I missed you. Let her know that she’s been missed when you’ve been apart for awhile. It doesn’t matter which one of you were away, it is the separation that is the issue. Hopefully, she’ll be saying she missed you too.

6.Have fun! Encourage her to enjoy her time with her friends or family when she chooses to spend time with them on her own. She needs to know that you do not need to be the center of everything she does, and that you don’t resent her enjoying activities which you aren’t involved in.

7.You look beautiful. Girls never get tired of hearing that, and they especially need to hear it when they aren’t feeling very beautiful, like when the rain just ruined their hair, or they’re in a hospital bed with no makeup or their sitting around in their sweats.

8.You can do it. Be her cheerleader when she’s having doubts about her own abilities. It’ll be easier for her to believe in herself, if she knows that you do. She will especially need to hear it from you if she has other people in her life telling her that she won’t make it.

9.I’m sorry. If you make a mistake or hurt her feelings, even if it was unintentional, be willing to apologize. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of mending your relationship. She will gain more respect for you, if you are able to say those two words. It takes a big man to admit when he is wrong.

10.Please. Just like thank you, this common courtesy word should not disappear from your conversations with your girlfriend. Don’t take her agreement for granted. Ask her to do things, don’t tell her, and include the appropriate ‘please’ on the end.

There you have it. Memorize them. Write them down, but most of all…use them in your conversations with your girlfriend. She’ll notice if you do, and she’ll notice if you don’t.

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Understanding How to Communicate with Your Partner When Things go Wrong

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by Zoe Mendez, Writer for Woman to Woman Blog Talk

How do we really get around to letting our partners know that we are not the enemy? If there is a problem they do not have to clamp up and shut us out. Some of us genuinely love and care about the person we are sharing our life with, and though we may not have all the answers at our finger tips and we may not be able to solve the problem, we want to be there for you. We want to be aware of your challenges, especially the ones that can affect our relationship negatively. You don't have to hurt or worry all by yourself.

It is a very frustrating experience to share the same space with someone, who sometimes without a warning shuts down right before our very eyes, and we do not know how to get through to the person, or what to do. When this happens, resist the urge to pry, it can be annoying. Having information that you are not ready to share dragged out of you by another is not cute. Leave it be and give it time. Remind the person that you care and try your level best to give them the space they need to deal with their issues. If the reason for their withdrawal is as a result of a misunderstanding you may have had, then both of you do have to find the time to get to the bottom of your challenge.

Try talking it out in a loving and caring way. Be sincere and honest about the way you feel regarding the situation and just wait it out. When discussing issues, be conscious of your tone; try to say what you need to say in a calm tone. And the listener should resist the urge to get angry. In heart-to-heart talks, it is possible that you will hear things that, in the moment, may rub you the wrong way. Try to be open as possible and see the situation in the reverse. Sometimes when the shoe is on the other foot it changes your perspective. Two people who really care about each other would both do their part to contribute to things getting better. Bear in mind that it would take some time.

I do suppose though, all of us have our times, when faced with challenges, where we prefer not to be around anyone. Or sometimes we just do not want to burden our partner with our problems. When you truly care for someone, automatically if they hurt, you hurt. I would be the first to admit that it can be a very painful experience to suddenly be on the outside. Most of the times if you pay attention you would recognize it has nothing to do with you or the individual; and ego has a way of blowing everything out of proportion. You may want to be the one person that can take away the troubles from your love, especially if compassion is embedded in your DNA. But as hard as you may try, sometimes you simply cannot make someone else feel better about themself.

Communication, maturity, and understanding are some of the key elements that have to be implemented when dealing with this mind boggling trait. We have to invest the time in understanding our partner; we have to learn to be patient with the process, especially if the relationship is new. More so, it is important to understand that we are each an individual evolving in our own ways, therefore when we get together, our relationship will continuously be a work in progress.

It takes a whole lot of trust and confidence for someone to get to that level, where they are comfortable enough to know that it does not matter where, how or why, but that with you they are always in a safe place.

In most instances fear and pride are the main reasons that can have someone stuck in a place alone. Fear of being judged, fear of being ridicule, fear of betrayal; maybe who knows, it’s all within good reason.

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What are your views about talking to your partner? Share them with us.

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Mr. Moms

A lot of men have come in for heavy criticisms from women, especially for the simple fact that they have not stepped up to the plate to be either a father or a ‘good’ father. But we have to agree that there are good men, and good fathers—the ones we see as roses among the thorns. They are the wonderful, caring fathers who have stuck by their kids, through thick and thin.

It is usually impressive when you one meets or hears of men who are raising their kids on their own. Not that that’s an ideal situation, but in these instances, these fathers may have been given custody of their children by the courts, or may have chosen to raise their children because the mothers are simply not interested, or have ran off elsewhere. Surely, for example, where the mother is rendered mentally incompetent, unfit to raise the child or children, or is deceased, we can understand why a man will be raising his kids single-handedly.

More so, it is an eye-opener in cases where courts grant full or primary custody to the father and not the mother. The courts generally use the welfare of the child principles and guidelines to decide which parent gets custody. From the court cases, you will notice that mothers tend to be favored more over fathers, especially when young children or girls are involved. But men do get primary custody of their child or children, and this goes to show that they are, at least in the eyes of the court, good men and capable fathers.

I know several “Mr. Moms”. These are men I am proud of. One of them, Edward, is his forties, and is raising his four children, a mixture of boys and girls, and had been raising them alone for the past 10 years! His youngest child was just a baby—six months old, to be exact, when he was granted full, primary custody of all his kids. He and his family do pretty much everything together. Eat, pray, vacation…you name it. And from the little interactions I’ve had with the kids, I realized they are well raised, and are great company to their father.

Another one of my Mr. Moms has also been raising his little girl since she was in newborn diapers. The mother wanted no part of raising the child after her birth, so he stepped up to the plate and took on all the responsibilities. Looking at little Sarah, you couldn’t tell she’s being raised by only one parent (and a father at that).

All of this reminds me of my own father. He’s a man who was not afraid of the responsibilities that came with having children. Even though my siblings and I are now adults, dad continues to be there for all of us.

While Mr. Moms make the world a better place because of their dedication and commitment to sticking by their kids, they are not to be seen as redemption tools for those who have fallen short of the mark. Every man must make a significant mark in the life of his child. But a lot of fathers have walked away from their children and have no clue as to how these kids are being raised. We have too much female-headed single-parent families. We need our men back in the lives of their kids and family members as a whole. While those men remain conspicuously absent from their children’s lives, we should tip our hats to all the Mr. Moms. They’re, most definitely, a constant reminder that there are some wonderful, caring men who are not afraid to take on their responsibilities as fathers, dads, and mentors to their children.

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About Dating Married Men and a Word to Homewreckers

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By Kristine Koch, Guest Contributor¦ Repost

Tisk-Tisk Stupid Girl....

“So finally Mr. Right came along and let me guess, he rode in on his white horse, reached out for your hand to kiss it ever so gently but he forgot to take off his wedding ring first? Don’t you just hate it when that happens? So why haven’t you two rode off into the sunset yet? Well I think we all know why or at least it would be easy to guess. Stupid girl, stupid girl when will you ever learn…”?(hubpages.com)

Grandma once told me that to date a married man is to bring sure damnation to my life; seven years of bad luck! Boy was she right, except I think she probably meant a lifetime of damnation. In short, as attractive as it looks, NEVER date someone who is married. Oh yes, I know you heard it before, but who cares, right? After all it’s not my business, and yes, Mr. Married Man is too sweet to let go. Foolish talk!

And it doesn’t matter that his marriage is “on the rocks”—the favorite, clichéd, pick-up line. Don’t be gullible. Stay clear!

Besides the fact that dating a married man is taboo, it is morally wrong and you end up selling yourself short. You are worth more than that, right? Why should you have to settle for dinner someone else has eaten? Or why should you have to settle for the crumbs from the table? I don’t care how cute, ambitious or wealthy he is, or how much he ‘hates’ his wife and ‘loves’ you. Understand what you are doing to yourself and everyone involved. This is not only about you. It’s about you, him, his wife, his kids, and I can go on and on to show you the domino effect your action can have on lives, often times doing irreparable damage.

Get this—You’re a Passing Satisfaction

Can’t you see he’s using you? Forget that he tells you he is unhappy and that he’s leaving his wife. The word ‘leaving’ itself should be your biggest clue. “Leaving’ is a present continuous verb and connotes an action still in progress. Men seem to always to be ‘leaving’ someone else right about the time you come along. When he has left, and it becomes a past perfect action on his part, and he is divorced and free to date, maybe then you can consider dating him. And no, do not orchestrate, encourage or facilitate the break-up or divorce.

He may or may not be happy with his wife. (Happy married men cheat too, because human beings are inherently non-monogamous even though we like to think we are monogamous by nature.) Don’t become his scapegoat nonetheless, though. He will have little or no respect for you, and who is to blame? No one else but you. He comes to you for comfort, for you to make him feel good and then you feel like you’ve been used because he has to go home to his wife. Well what do you expect? That’s where he belongs.

Even if he is truly unhappy, his cheating should tell you how he deals with situations in his life.

He’s Not Leaving

A greater percentage of husbands who promise to leave their wives for other women actually do not do so. It’s not surprising, is it? You’re not that foolish, are you? They don’t leave because, in reality, they do have good wives and a family depending on them. Besides, when he looks at you, he sees you as nothing, just a place he goes to for a moment of satisfaction.

Even if he leaves, he may very well end up doing so simply because his cheating caused the marriage to flop. He’s coming to you further unhappy, with his emotional baggage for you to now carry. He’s in no position to deal with another relationship. He has to heal from the separation or divorce and the fact of losing his wife and kids. He may even blame you for the failure of his marriage, if it is that his wife found out about you.

You Will Get Your Turn in the Fire

If he can do it to his wife, he will most certainly do it to you or anyone else who takes the main position in his life. I don’t’ doubt that there were happy endings for some folks, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. You think it makes pleasant conversation to tell your children that you are a home wrecker, or that they are the product of infidelity? Think about it.

As women, we need to encourage one another along the right path. No one is perfect; we all have made our share of mistakes. Life is too short, so let’s minimize mistakes as much as we can and learn from the experiences and counsel of others.

Use that precious time you might be wasting trying to steal a husband and wreck a wife’s home on more rewarding activities. Invest it in a healthy relationship, one that has a better chance at flourishing. There are still many good single men out there. You can find one. Just know how to market yourself without selling yourself for next to nothing.

So next time a married man shows interest in you, you won’t be showing interest, since you’re now wiser. Tell him you pride yourself in not being a homewrecker and make sure you also tell him he should be ashamed of himself.

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1. Has your marriage been wrecked by a cold-hearted woman who stole your man?
2. Are you the 'other' woman?
3. What are your views on dating married men or women? Share your views with us. Comment below.

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How About Some 'Me Time'

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by Zoe Mendez, Writer for Woman to Woman Blog Talk

How about some 'me time'? Is that too much to ask? Is it selfish thinking? Not.

Ladies, if I had a dollar for every time I heard one of you suggest that you have no time to take care of yourself, I would be a rich. It's time for you to stop this nonsense and recognize that YOU are also the most important person in your life. In her Life, Love and Inspiration, Delina Cummings wrote: “You are the M.I.P, the most important person—number one. Treat yourself with due excellence....Never settling for mediocrity.”

Some of you get so caught up in taking care of family, husband, children, and others that you forget that there is also "YOU" who deserve, just like others, some tender loving care. Come on, when was the last time you had some "me time"? Are you aware that you deserve some of that, and then some? When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? I am not talking about your weekly or fortnightly scheduled visits to your hair stylist or nail technician, or the occasional purchase of a new dress or shoes. Some of you don't even do that; if ever, the times are far and few.

My intention is not to scold you, but now that I have captured your attention, let me break it down for you.

You deserve some me time, not just to nurture your body, but your mind and spirit as well. Spiritual me time or keeping your spirit sweet (as I like to call it) can consist of many acts, from spending time reading your bible or an inspirational book, to listening to worship/gospel music or your favourite motivational/inspirational speaker, to taking time out for meditation. You can find a quiet space in your home to sit quietly to get focused and centred to connect with your inner knowing. Believe me, God is always talking, you have to take the time to develop the art of listening. There, in the stillness of your heart, you can find peace, wisdom, joy, strength, order, direction....These are all of the things you miss because you are too busy or caught up in your day-to-day challenges. A cool early morning or evening walk can also revive your spirit.

Don't underestimate that small window of time that you may use to comb your hair and apply your makeup. Turn it into your ritual of nurturing your hair, face and body. I spend at least 20-30 minutes on my face every day. Don't freak out. I know it sounds like a lot, but it is not. Plan your day carefully, and that time can be yours. I use the time to get centred, asking for guidance and direction for my tasks and the unseen challenges, which I may encounter during the day. My over all get-ready time takes me about forty-five minutes to an hour, and on special occasions an hour and half, once I plan carefully. Included in my bath routine is my cleansing ritual for my face, done during my shower, body is moisturized from face to toes, makeup is done, etc.

I broke it down because I want you to recognize that you don't need extra time to take care of your skin. Whatever you choose to do regarding your skin care routine can be included into your bath routine. Your skin would be grateful in years to come. Clean healthy looking skin enhances your self-image which adds to your self-confidence. Stop wishing that you had nice skin and start taking care of what you have, the results would amaze you. Over all, taking me time helps me to feel more focused and centred. I feel flustered if I have to rush around like a chicken without a head. I do the same thing at nights, it does not matter how late it is or how tired I am; I take the time to unwind, remove all my makeup, and take a nice long shower. I use water to start the relaxing process before climbing into bed. Water is very soothing and has a calming effect on the mind and body.

There is of course the luxurious pampering received from a day at the spa. I received a birthday treat from a friend; I spent an entire day getting pampered, head to toes. It started with another shower, some time spent in the sauna, then a facial, a total body massage, and ended with a pedicure and manicure - heavenly. Six hours later I was in a state of euphoria. I literally felt like a new person.

For the times when going to a spa is out of reach financially there are lots of at-home methods of pampering and relaxation that can be used to achieve just about the same result. As you develop a relationship with yourself, you will become aware of the things that will work for you that would result in the peace and serenity that you silently crave and need. Your well-being needs this more than you know. I know as women we love our family, but everything is right about you spending time a way from them to recharge your batteries. A few hours a week or every other week would do wonders for your relationships. A happy centred mommy equals a happy family.

Get conscious that from time to time you will need to come up for some air, take some ME TIME whatever it is that makes you, aaaah!, in satisfaction.

Do you take time off to do you? What other things can we do to take care of ourselves? Comment below.

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Top Ten Tips for the First Date

by Stephanie Tru, Relationship Coach and Guest Contributor for Woman to Woman Blog Talk

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Hello Ladies

- I’ve listed below my top ten tips for a first date. Noting that I say is law, but I’ve lived and learned and want to share what I’ve done, both good and bad. Lets go !!

Tips for a first date

Ladies

1.) First impressions are very important as well as lasting, so put your best foot forward. Keep your hair nice and neat; nothing too over dramatic or high fashion. If you’re going to put extensions in, keep it classy, and make sure the color choice suits your skin tone. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve interviewed have said they instantly get turned off when a woman’s hair is “doing too much”. This could mean extremely long weave that mimics a rainbow. When it comes to hair and makeup, less is more. If you want to add a little length, then cool, but 12 inch extensions will do: not 18 inches! And let’s keep the colors within 1,1B,2,4. I’ll even let the 27, 33, and 6 slide, but this is only if your skin tone matches those shades.

On the makeup tip, don’t look like a china doll. Makeup is to enhance and at best cover up imperfections: not to double as Lil Kim. Everything in moderation.

2.) Dress appropriate to where you’re going. Don’t show any cleavage or wear anything too revealing. You can cover up and still be sexy. Resist the temptation to put on your freakum dress. There will be a time and a place for that and the first date isn't it. If the guy you’re out with can’t look across the table at you and envision you at thanksgiving dinner with his parents, family and friends, it’s a wrap. Most men have been told by their moms “Don’t you bring any trash in my house”. If you carry yourself in a manner that would bring shame to him rather than praise, he’s probably not going to pursue you for a long-term commitment. Don’t strike out on the first date just because you wanted to be a bit sexy. Have some class and cover up.

3.) Keep your heels at a reasonable height. A 3-4 inches heel is acceptable on a first date. It disgusts me to see women stumbling around because they are trying to get their “runway” on. I’m all for your attempt at becoming America’s next top model, but calm that down on a date. That’s all I’m saying.

4.) Make sure you’re nice and fresh. Take a shower or bath before any date, and don’t over do it on the perfume. A nice body mist will do just fine. Some men can’t handle really intense smells, and you don’t want your date 50 feet away from you all night. My personal favorite is Vera Wang. Works every time.

5.) A beautiful smile is very attractive, so make sure to brush and floss before your date. I like to carry a travel size toothbrush and mouth wash in my purse so I can freshen up after a hearty meal. This might seem like a bit much, but men have told me they’ve run into plenty of women with poor oral hygiene on a date and they appreciate the women who go above and beyond to keep that in check.

6.) If you’re going out to dinner pay for the meal. “Oh no,” most will say, but trust me, it will leave a lasting impression and will set you apart from all the other women your date has gone out with. This should be done genuinely and even if he refuses to let you go ahead and still offer. It says a lot about you and whether he ends up paying or not, he won’t forget the gesture. Most men have never gone out with a woman who offered to pay for anything. Yes, I understand that he’s the man and should pay, but nothing is wrong with showing your date that you appreciate and enjoy his company. Rather than sex later on to show your gratitude for the lobster and wine, just pay for the date. You notice I didn’t say pay half or pay the tip. It’s all or nothing. Go for the gold! Again, I say most men won’t let you, but it’s the thought and good intention that sticks out. Differentiation is the key to getting your dream man to pick you out of all his other prospects he’s probably juggling.

7. If a man opens your car door when leaving somewhere, after you’re in and he shuts the door, reach over and open the door for him. It shows that your courteous and have manners. I promise this will get you a second date, if it’s a good man. I’ve done this and it works every time.

8.) Under no circumstances do you have sex on the first date. I don’t care if you think you’ve met your soul mate. The quickest way to end up in a “jump off” category is to give it up before a man has any real feelings for you. He won’t see you as being respectable if you do so. Most women who give it up on the first date don’t go on to run off in the sunset: Some do, but the likelihood that it will happen to you is slim. It’s better to be safe than sorry. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s all love.

9.) This is an old tip which is hardly followed. Do not go into detail about your ex boyfriend. If you do and discuss it a little too long, with too much emotion, you might give your date the impression that you still have unresolved feelings, and most good men will not take you serious if that’s the case. This is what men like to call baggage and being emotionally unavailable. Most men don’t want to hear anything about your ex. They might engage you but trust they’re out to enjoy time with you not hear you yap about your ex, how crappy he is, or how you gained 20 pounds after the breakup. He doesn’t need to know all your business and why all your past relationships failed. Less is more when talking about your ex on the first date.

10.) If you’re on a really good date and neither one of you wants it to end, DO NOT propose going to one another’s place to watch a movie or just hang. This almost always leads to some sort of sexual behavior and it’s too risky. Y’all know what happens. You go over to his place or your place; you pop in a movie and get comfy on the couch. You might get 30 minutes in to the movie before he starts kissing you on your neck and offers to give you a “massage”. You’re tense, so you take off your shirt and let him go to work. Ok Pause. Ladies, you know damn well that you’re going to be thinking more thoughts than about tension in your back when his hands are all over you. Then he suggests you take off your bra because, hey, he can really get to work if your whole back is exposed. Don’t fall for the bra trick.  Happens all the time, and usually women have no intention of doing this type of stuff but, hey, you get caught up in the moment.

You want to stay respectable in his eyes and a respectable woman knows when to end the night even if she’s having a good time. Resist the temptations!

Just keeping it Tru.
 

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What are your thoughts? Can you identify with any of these first dates do's and don'ts? Feel free to comment below.

She Abuses Me, She Hits Me: A Man's Domestic Violence Experience

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Hello All,

I am a man and love to look at these sites and see what people say. I am embarrassed to say I am a Police Officer who works hard not only at that job but another to provide for my family. I cook, clean, do laundry...to wee hours of the night to help my wife out, as I feel I should.

After 11 years of marriage, giving her what ever it is she wants, as I would do anything for her, she decides to go around sneaking with another married man. She denied it at first, and I caught her in the guys house for 3 hours while she was and should have been at work. I always said I would never deal with it, but loving her as much as I did and do, I tried to make it work. We have great kids, and the thought of not being able to put them to bed kills me.

My whole point is, I did this to my self. I did and gave her everything. She has been emotionally abusing me, yelling at me all the time. If I answered back, she would come up and punch me in the head. I could never hit her back as that is not right nor my style. One day she hit me so hard in the head, I was dizzy, but told her if she ever did it again, I would punch back. She stopped doing that. I, along with many other men, am a victims, just like all the women who are victims. I am at a cross road now. I live in NY and have no where to turn. My nerves are becoming worn around her.

I love her, but feel she hates me because I broke up her thing with the other guy, who was just her friend. If it wasn't for the guy's wife calling me and telling me what they were doing, we would not be in this position. I was told a month ago, I am to much of a family man.

I do love my family and being around them. I don't see what's wrong with that. If someone can please help and give me advise, it would be most appreciated. Thanks for your time.

(Name Provided)

Domestic violence and abuse is wrong. It doesn't matter who is doing it to you. Email us your story. We care about victims and survivors of domestic abuse and violence.
Write to womantowomansite@gmail.com

If you're a man or woman suffering domestic violence, note the following hotlines, websites and links for resources on keeping yourself safe and removing yourself from abuse. ACT NOW! National Domestic Violence Hotline , 1-800-799- SAFE, 1-800-799 7233, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women, 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754), link to website http://dahmw.org/about-us, Jan Brown on Domestic Violence Against Men (Men’s Rights.Com)

Link http://www.mensrights.com/index.php/Articles/Jan-Brown-on-Domestic-Violence-Against-Men.html, Battered Men, http://www.batteredmen.com/. ACT NOW!

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Heavenly Angels, Earthly Connections

By Zoe Mendez, Guest Writer for Woman to Woman Blog Talk

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Whenever I recall certain events in my life I, like everyone, else cannot help but to wonder, Do we have Angels walking among us? Are Angels really real? But the more conscious and grounded I become spiritually, I have no doubt in my mind that they are very real. There were too many events and encounters that occurred for me not to embrace this knowing. I believe that angels are assigned to everyone. I’m not speaking of the imaginable beings that are supposedly flying around, invisible somewhere out there, in the atmosphere.

We often take the people who we connect or cross paths with casually or for granted. I’m referring to those rare, sometimes interesting and mind blowing encounters that we had with total strangers, which as a result helped us through a difficult situation. You may have had an encounter where a direct association or interaction with someone, whether stranger or casual acquaintance, changed the course of our life.

The next time your path connects with a stranger or an acquaintance, remember to be kind, warm or at least appear to be friendly. Because you never know when you will be in dying need of help or a favour and that very person you were flippant with may hold the key to your break through.

Every time there was a major change occurring in my life, I can connect it directly or indirectly to someone that I have never met before or met casually, on a series of different occasions. Generally we often don't think much of the people we meet in passing.

Let me share briefly two of my encounters. A few times on my overseas travels I passed through in-transit and the Immigration Officer who processed me was rather friendly. He gave the usual chats some men would give on casual encounters. My natural reaction to such is always to be as pleasant as possible and smile. He was never in anyway disrespectful; his demeanour over all was pleasant. I always got a very good energy from him which, at the time, I never gave much thought as I had no plans to visit this particular country, mainly because I did not know anyone there.

Over a period of maybe 2-3 years, on different occasions, I would somehow always meet this same Immigration officer as I passed through the airport. I even remembered him asking me when I would visit his country. He told me how much I was missing. I jokingly just said, “One day I will.” Somewhere along the way I met and became romantically involved with someone, and I eventually starting visiting the Officer’s country. Our relationship developed into a comfortable one so I decided to further my studies as my companion, though he lived and worked in my country of birth, had his own home in his country. So I began the tedious process of trying to get my documents in order. I made the appointment to apply for my Student's Permit. On the day of the interview, I arrived at the Immigration Head Office, nervous as hell. Guess who was the interviewing office? The same smiling, friendly Immigration officer who processed my documents on a few of my in-transit stops. He was extremely helpful, which made the process very pleasant for me. He went above and beyond his call of duty to point me in the right direction, he ensure I had everything I was required to have.

To date I don't recall all the details of how we eventually became friends; it seemed as though we were always running into each other. Fifteen years later our friendship has grown. I met his family and a large circle of his friends, both males and females. Today, he considers me a part of his family. Oh, and I need to add there was no romantic connection between us, just in case you might be wondering, hmmmm! It is possible to have and build friendships with the opposite sex that is strictly platonic.

I had an opportunity on many occasions to observe this angel in action. He was selfless and is a blessing to many, expecting nothing in return.

On another occasion during my studies in that same country, I met a woman who helped in a big way to shape and change the direction of my life. At the time, I was pursuing a different career path, and was in pursuit of developing my hobby. Because of her, I believe I am doing exactly what I was born to do. My work is my passion, my hobby, so a day at work, no matter how demanding the project or circumstances is, never feels like work. This woman was able to instantly connect with my natural talent. She was amazingly generous in so many ways. There were way too many instances when I felt I was in direct contact with the Creator Himself. She was unbelievably unselfish, giving and caring. She was the mother of two beautiful girls, and I was her third—that's the way she treated me. With her, I always felt like I was at a home away from home.

I had many unforgettable moments with this woman. She invited me to work on a charity event which ran for about three weekends. We worked four nights per week. A few weeks after the show, she gave me an envelope followed by an explanation saying that the show made some money, and the organisers paid her. She was giving it all to me. She told me she was not taking any for herself. I was dumbfounded.

My relationship did not work out and everything else seemed to be changing around me. Without any doing on my part, my life was changing the direction, in a good way. I was staying with a friend I met on the way. It was not the most comfortable situation. My angel (this friend) somehow, without knowing any details about my situation, knew I was not comfortable. One day she insisted and offered me a room at her family house, (She lived elsewhere, but used the house as her place of business.) which I eventually took because of its prime location, rent free. I was in awe. I lived there for three pleasant years.

She has since passed on, to date, sixteen years later I can still hear her guiding me along, almost whispering in my ear, which makes me feel like she is always with me whenever I am working.

Interestingly though, and thinking back, the references I got from others did not paint a very pleasant image of this phenomenal woman. The impression I was given about her was that she was fierce. Had I listened to the negatives, I would have never made the phone call, and who knows, my life may have never been as fulfilling.

Along the way I discovered this motivational nugget by Les Brown. He said, "If you develop what you do well and become a master of yourself; if you set goals and go after them with all the determination you can muster, your gifts will take you places that would amaze you."

This is my personal testimony. My meeting with two angels in the same place guided me to pursue a career, which at the time I had no idea existed, but it found me. I married, pursued and set my goals to being the best that I can be. As a result, my gift took me to so many amazing places around the world.

The question that changed the course of my life was, "Do you know you have a natural flare for this?" I would never forget the kindness and humility that was exchanged in the process.

Leave your comment below, or share you story with us.  Write to womantowomansite@gmail.com

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The Importance of Crying

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Photo: health.com

Some people cry too much, some people cry too little, and others…well…they don’t seem to cry at all. But then again, one has to ask, is there a problem with crying too much, too little or not at all? Let’s find out.

Regardless of the level of tears each and every one of us shed, you must know a rule of first importance: Crying is normal and culturally, socially and psychologically acceptable.

Why do humans cry?

Odd as it may seem when compared to other mammals, or to other earthly beings, period, the ability to cry is what sets us apart from the rest of the earth, and it is what makes us human. Scientifically speaking, “[o]ther animals may whimper, moan and wail, but none sheds tears of emotion--not even our closest primate cousins [according to the Evolution Theory]. Apes do have tear ducts, as do other animals, but their job extends only to ocular housecleaning, to bathe and heal the eyes. But in our case, at some point long ago, one of our ancestors evolved a neuronal connection between the gland that generates tears and the parts of the brain that feel, sense and express deep emotion.” (Why Do We Cry? by Chip Walter, 2006, scienticamerica.com)

The more obvious reason for crying is to express our emotions, such as sadness, happiness or anger. The tears are the secretory evidence of what we are feeling in the moment. Even babies, although they do not usually secrete tears in their crying, in the early months after their birth, also cry because they are expressing emotional feelings. Maybe they are hungry, wet, or sleepy. To cry is their way of expressing themselves in language other than words.

We must cry

Crying is beneficial to us emotionally and physically, the same way laughter is. “Many people have found that crying actually calms them after being upset, and this is in part due to the chemicals and hormones that are released in the tears…. The largest tear gland, the lacrimal gland produces the tears of emotion and reflex. Many believe that the body, in times of emotional stress, depends on this gland to release excess amounts of chemicals and hormones, returning it to a stable state." (Why We Laugh and Cry, by Wendy Norland, Gibbs Magazine.com).

Based on this, there may no such thing as crying too much, in terms of the benefits of doing so. It’s better to cry as much as you wish, and all you can, rather than walk around with pent up emotions, fooling yourself into thinking that “I’m bigger than that”—crying, that is. Release the stress and bring your hormones back into balance, so that your body has one less thing to worry about in its day-to-day functioning. Also, it doesn’t mean that if you do not cry as much as others do, something is wrong with you. Each of us are uniquely affected by the same experience or feeling. What may make you cry may make me laugh.

People who do not cry?

Every normal human being cries at least once in his or her lifetime. No doubt, some people hardly ever cry, so much so that it appears as if they don’t. At the same time, some people cry over minor stuff and not over major things, and vice versa. Some people use to cry a lot, but find that as they grow older, little by little, they cry less and less. Eventually they start to wonder, “Hey, I haven’t cried in a while. What’s wrong with me? “I feel numb. I feel dead inside.”

Perhaps, as we mature, and having gone through various challenges, hurts, disappointments, etc., we learn to deal with these emotions differently, that is to say, we at least decide that crying is not one of the ways by which we will deal with our emotions. This is okay, as long as we choose healthy ways of solving emotional issues. Storing them up is forbidden!

Significantly, though, emotional numbing and denial are two factors which may cause people to appear to lack emotions because of a progressively developed inability to shed tears. They, in effect, hold their pain and negative emotions hostage. This lack of outward show of emotions does not mean that such persons do not cry inside. However, internal crying may be worse because the pent up feelings are not getting out. Trying containing a volcano. If an explosion does not occur, you bet, an implosion will. Stored emotions can in turn transform into intense anger, rage, resentment….

At the end of the day, whether you cry too much or too little, it is important to cry. It would be difficult to fathom a human being who never cries. But some of us cry far less than the average person or far less than the average, normal amount of times within a certain period, or throughout our lifetime.

We’ve got to cry—we must. It is important that we do. You know you want to cry. You want to get those emotions out, but you’ve been putting it off. You tell yourself you’re tough, no need to cry. Do yourself a favor, lock yourself away from the world, enter into your personal space, in privacy, and cry. The pillow, squeeze it tight, if you have to. No, not punch. No punching.

You will find that you feel much lighter and relieved when you’re done. If you must, “[l]et the pain cry first, and don't let it interact verbally with other people. As much as possible, bring the feelings to a safe and private healing place, with someone you trust or alone, with a pillow and a box of Kleenex….Until you've cried the pain and can feel the relief of healing, you need to treat yourself and others carefully.” (Why Can't I Cry? How Resistance, Avoidance and Acting Out Thwart the Emotional Healing Process, cyquest.com)

You were born to cry. Cry. Be courageous and cry, and then let your sunshiny smile shine afterwards. Remember, what you don’t fix stay broken until you fix it.

When was the last time you cried? Do you know it's healthy to cry? Share your comments below.

You may wish to read :

Why We Laugh and Cry by Wendy Norland

Why Do We Cry? by Chip  Walter

Why Can't I Cry? How Resistance, Avoidance and Acting Out Thwart the Emotional Healing Process

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Tips on Marketing Yourself

In today’s commercialized world, almost everyone is caught up marketing something, their business, their products, their services. But what about you, have you been marketing YOU? What are you showing to the world? What are you telling it about yourself? Are you hiding your gifts and talents? If you have it, why not flaunt it?

When I talk about “marketing” you, about “flaunting” it, I’m not only referring to the external you, what people see when they look at you physically. Yes, your shape, hair, face, skin and all that are part of you, but what really defines you? No doubt, some are of the opinion that what behold the eyes is what defines them, full stop. No, no, there has to be more to you. We each were born with a measure of talent and some kind of gift to use as part of our purpose in life.

While it’s a good thing to practice modesty, at the same time, modesty should be practiced in moderation. You don’t have to feel full of yourself if you reveal your skills, gifts and talents. That’s why you have them. Not to hide them, not to brag about them, but to use for the fulfillment of self and others. If you know you’re intelligent or smart or that you’re a genius, don’t pretend you are not. By doing so, you can stifle your opportunities for progress.

In fact, the whole idea behind marketing yourself is to maximize success. And this can start from things that are very simple. For example, when you apply for a job, you are placed in a setting of competition. You become a competitor against all the other persons who are applying for the same job. How you write, what you write and what information is presented about yourself will determine whether you are placed in a good position to be shortlisted for an interview and ultimately land yourself that very job.

If you know how to market you, then this task becomes easy, even if you do not necessarily have all the qualification and skills the employer is looking for. Your presentation is what will impress them, even before they see you face-to-face.

General tips on marketing yourself?

Communicate well: Communication can be oral, written or by body language. You don’t have to try to impress by using all the ‘big’ words you know. But if you practice good, clear and sincere speech, you are bound to create a good impression. Furthermore, in being mannerly, e.g., greeting those you meet, “good morning sir” or “maam” (as the case may be), all add up to determining how well you communicate. If you’re having a bad day, or you are uncomfortable about something or someone in your presence, your face does NOT need to tell the story!

Dress: Dress suitably, dress well. How many times have you heard it being said, “You are how you dress?” Sounds simple, right? Well it’s an actuality. What you wear equally creates an impression as does what you say. In fact, the first impression is created often times by what you’re wearing, long before you utter a single word.

Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and LinkedIn are excellent social media forum to market yourself, your ideas, skills, talent. These media can also help you to get discovered and bam, you’re on your way to greater things!

Networking: “Embrace the power of networking by attending networking events with your business card and portfolio. Networking is going to be your spokesperson when used effectively, for others will recommend you based on quality experiences with your products or services.” (ehow)

Association: Associate yourself with the right people, perhaps people who have similar vision, ideals or goals as you. Who you associate with or the products you promote all affect the perception people have of you. Perception is usually often more powerful than the thing itself so give positive perceptions in everything that you do.

Finally, remember, “Marketing is a skill that takes persistence to sell yourself as a bona fide professional that is appealing to an employer or customer [or, in the social arena, as a friend or colleague].” So market yourself well and set yourself apart from the rest.

Have you been marketing yourself, letting people know your talents, skills, natural gifts? What other suggestions do you have? Please comment below.

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