Common Interests Are Not Enough to Build and Sustain Lasting,Thriving Relationships

Photo:lancecurv.com

By Delina Cummings


Many of us go through our lives and our relationships laboring under the belief that the most important component of building lasting relationships is to share common interests, such as hiking, biking or travelling together. Well, this is a myth, and you might have already proved it in relationships that ended, only you might not have realized, until now, that common interests weren’t enough. Well, now, isn't that a light bulb moment? 

Matthew Kelly, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, (and whom I will quote throughout this article) has written an inspiring book, and having read it, one will find some thought-provoking ideas about what actually contributes to lasting, prosperous relationships. And although common interests might play a role, if it is the foundation of your relationship, it is very well a weak foundation, and, so, if you find your relationship barely surviving and not thriving then is it because there is a missing piece of vital element. That element is an ESSENTIAL PURPOSE.

The secret behind great relationships lies in the pursuit of the ESSENTIAL PURPOSE. And the essential purpose is to share a COMMON PURPOSE. And the common purpose is to help each other become the BEST VERSION of OURSELVES.

Outside of a relationship, your essential purpose is to help yourself become the best version of yourself, so that when you are in a relationship coexisting becomes easier, as you shift your attention to making the subject of your partnership become the best version of his or her self. When the both of you grow and are able to bring out the best in each other, one cannot think about a more dynamic, harmonized relationship, harmony being a major part of why some couples are able to have long lasting relationships. Harmony, of body, mind, and soul…harmony of purpose!

However, when you think it of it, we are always in some kind of relationship whether “formal or casual, long lasting or fleeting,” and always we have an opportunity to further our essential purpose by helping each other become the best version of each of our selves. 

Despite downplaying common interests in this context, you might very well find people who succeed in staying together based on common interests. However, the essential distinction between relationships built on common interests versus those constructed on a common purpose is that, although both types of relationships might be alive, those built on common interests are, more often than not, merely surviving whilst those built on common purpose are thriving! This is because “…,common interests can very often turn out to be a false foundation, creating the illusion of a deeper relationship than was actually present.” Common interests are more susceptible to change over time and can often be fleeting, as well.

“The truth is [however] that all relationships are based on a common purpose, whether that purpose is articulated or not. In some relationships, the common purpose is simply a matter of convenience; in others, it is the money, in some, the common purpose is sex; in others, it is raising the children, but only in very few relationships is it to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. 

Our primary relationship needs a common purpose, but not just any common purpose.”

I was happy Kelly highlighted that fact that “not just any common purpose” will suffice to help us create sustainable, thriving relationships because, like common interests, people can stray from their common purpose or their common purpose may change if and when their common interests change. So it is therefore imperative for us to remember that there is one common purpose which is the vital element and it is the essential purpose—which is to assist each other, continuously, to become the best version of each of our selves.

Dynamic collaboration is a major part of these great relationships built on the essential purpose. In them, we create an environment which serves to motivate and inspire each other to reach the greatest heights, comfort each other in shortcomings and celebrate each other in success. Also, “We become less preoccupied with questions such as: What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it? We are able to focus more on questions such as: How can I help you become the-best-version-of-yourself? How can I love you completely and selflessly? How can I help you know and fulfill your dreams? How can I help you use your talents to the fullest? What are your needs, and how can I help you fulfill them?

If you really love someone you want nothing less than to see that person become all he or she is capable of being, and you are willing to do everything to help that person achieve his or her essential purpose.”

In the end, while you find joy in celebrating your common interests in your relationships, assess also the common purpose of the relationship and ask yourself this question: “Is this relationship helping me to become the-best-version-of-myself? And, am I helping him [or her) become the-best-version-of-himself [or herself]? If not, you might very well find yourself repeatedly on a quest to find a great, dynamic relationship, and in fact it cannot be found, it has to be constructed, constructed on the foundation of an essential purpose!

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