A Woman to Woman Blog Talk Exclusive by Zoe Mendez
CLICK 2 LIKE us on FACEBOOKWHY DO SO MANY WOMEN STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS WELL PAST THEIR EXPIRATION DATE? When did women begin to accept the idea that any man, even the one who won't give us what we desire, is better than having no man at all? Won’t being single be better than settling for less?
Steve Harvey's, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is really a good read and gives a good insight to the male psyche. Women settle for so many different reasons, ranging from religious demands, maintaining family traditions, shame of being labeled as a ‘hoe’, and for a very simple reason as being afraid to hold out for what they want and know they deserve. As women, we need to understand that once we are in a good place and we are prepared to give our best in a relationship, then we deserve nothing less in return. Not 50/50, not 60/40, but 100%. If that is what you are prepared to give then why settle for less? There of course should be room for compromise, but one thing I know is that one should never settle for anything less than the best. I also believe that it does not take a man 10 years to decide he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman. Some women settle out of share fear, the fear of being alone, the fear of her biological clock tick-tucking away, the fear of not being able to supply the security she needs for her future….It is all these seemingly insurmountable fears which trap us into settling for relationships that are unfulfilling.
Laziness is also another contributor. There are some women who believe they were born to be taken care of by a man, so they subject themselves to all sorts of unfair situations. While some may have legitimate economical and other social challenges that may cripple their abilities to educate and better themselves, there are those who simply refuse to do better, as their attitude is, “Why work when I can find a man to give me what I want?” They would rather be taken care of by the next man, or two or three, who come along. Economic challenges for sure can keep a woman in a place where she doesn't want to or is unable to explore her options on her own. She would much rather be dependent on a man who is not treating her right. Her psyche may have been programmed to make her believe that she cannot do better.
There is also the feeling of weariness that can come over a woman who has had several disappointing outcome from her love relationship. After the second or third or sometimes even the first negative experience that end in heart break, she may find herself settling the next time around whether for a short or long term period. Starting all over again is very difficult, and each situation comes with its own set of challenges. Whilst getting to know someone should be fun, I would have to admit it is a lot of work. It is not always just about the one person, it’s the family, friends and the other overall things that come along with getting to know someone new. I would be the first to admit that there are some relationships that have social and other benefits, so one would tend to hang in there, even though the relationship does not cater to the essence of your desire. I am personally not one to settle. One of my best friend's mantra is, "Better the devil you know than the one you don't". My mother’s favorite is, “When your hand is in tiger mouth, you have to pat his head”. (I guess this one refers to if you really can’t do better). Well I tell you, I would end up with no hands. Boy, I would leave that ferocious tiger so fast, his stripes would fall off! I guess though, at the end of the day, it boils down to what makes the individual happy. Some are very happy with mediocrity.
But back to our men folks, for a minute. Look at them; they view marriage as a death sentence. I have a few married guy friends, and the one common thing they say is, if their marriage should end, they would probably never get married again. And their primary reason for feeling that way is because in a marriage they feel trapped and restricted. Even though they may pretty much still do whatever they want on the down low, I guess they still somehow want to feel a sense of loyalty to their partner without the guilt of dishonoring their vows—(that is, if they ever feel guilty).
As women, we have to look out for ourselves. While not every man you date is husband material, we should start exploring the possibilities early in the dating process. This would require eliminating superficiality, look beyond the cute face, the nice sexy body, the good job, and fancy car, his ability to satisfy our physical, and sexual needs. We should ask ourselves the hard questions first: Is this man someone I can build a future with, etc. Find out from him what is his story, ask questions that would give an insight to how he feels about marriage, children, family, what he has planned for the near and distance future, then compare notes (yours with his). For example, if your desire is to travel and see the world and eventually get settled in another country, then you may not want to make a long term commitment to someone who has no desire to leave his country. Or you may want to have a child or children and he doesn't. While it is possible that someone’s desire is not written in stone, and they are likely to flex with some things, one has to be careful when making long term commitment to someone whose ideals do not synchronize with yours. It is very easy to know whether or not the man you have your eyes on is game player. You just have to ask the right questions, start listening, and pay attention.
Be aware that some men are capable of using a marriage proposal as a stalling technique to get you off their back... And while you are basking in the glow of a nice ring with no wedding date, it might take you 4 - 10 years before you realize, OH SNAP!!! Is this going to ever happen? When some one proposes, the two of you need to step it up immediately by setting a date. If he keeps zig-zagging, then you should know he just ain’t that serious about making a commitment to you. Bottom line is, most men are territorial. When he meets a woman who is a game changer, he will go above and beyond to commit, that is, if he is smart enough to not want to loose his queen.
“I want a baby with you”, is the ultimate stall. It doesn’t mean that you will be, ‘Mrs Nooks’, anytime sooner. Just as there are women who feel getting pregnant for a man would make him stay, there are men who use that to put his stamp on a woman without doing the right thing by her and the child. He would push for you to have his child, but have zero intentions of ever walking you down the isle. If you're lucky, you might get an engagement ring with no set date, and before you know it, you are like a baby machine. Three or four children later, he’s off to marry someone else. Stop being miss-goody-two-shoes and let mister man be aware that while you love and care for him, if he is not going to honor you the way you deserve to be honored, there are other options that you are willing to explore. I am not endorsing cheating, that is by no way near what I am implying. You don’t have to accept being treated with disrespect. There is always someone waiting to love and appreciate you just the way you deserve.
Quick story: I remember meeting someone. Very nice guy, good job, not really my type, but I was willing to work with him. He had lots of potential. I really liked having him around. He was a blessing in so many ways, helped out around the house, etc. In short, he was definitely husband material, but I sensed that he was not 100% genuine. So my boy decided he will play the “I want to marry you” card within the first two months of us meeting. I said okay and asked, “How soon do you want to do it?” He said “In about a year's time”, so I said, “Fair enough, let's pick a date”, and we did. Then I decided to take his game off-course. I told him if we are going to have a nice wedding we need to start planning early, like start checking out reception halls, and such like in order to work out our budget. I also suggested we could exchange rings between each other which would be symbol of our commitment. As simple as it sounds, taking him from place to place made me aware of the fact that he was not serious, because every step we took in the direction of planning a wedding, I sensed his hesitation. Then he pulled out his mother card. I had asked him if he was sure he was really ready to commit (this was about month 3) He said his mother says she think he was moving too fast, and that was the end of the drama. I simply let him know that I am looking for a man, not a boy, and moved right along.
It may have been a harsh move. One of the challenges we faced was that we both worked away from home, and I was not prepared to make a solid commitment to wait for anyone I was unsure of. I know it was just his way of doing what he thought was necessary to keep my attention. My advice to every woman is to trust your inner guide; you will always know when you are in a good place.
I truly embrace that when two people feel for each other, wanting to be together and do right by one another comes naturally. If being with me does not come natural to the other person, then I don’t want to be there either, it is way too much work getting caught up in getting some one to love you back. You really can’t make someone love you if they don’t, you can’t make their heart feel something if it doesn’t. Love just does not work that way, and pushing would only cause you to hurt yourself. Besides it will drain and suck up too much of your energy. This can contribute to feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem.
While it maybe romantic to have bad times with the one you are with than to have good times with someone else (as Luther Vandross put it in his popular song), in reality, you may very well be happy dating until ‘Mr. Right’ comes along. Why settle when we can also, just like our male counterparts, explore our options. KNow when to fold, and make a committment to yourself that you will settle for MORE.
Do you think you're in a relationship that is going nowhere? Why settle for less? Has he proposed a long time back but has keeps dodging the wedding date?
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