Monday, August 22, 2011

When Your Abuser Denies the Abuse


Oh, she fell”, “She bumped into the door”, “She injured herself”, “My hand hit her when she passed next to me”, “I was only protecting myself”….

Those are but few of the numerous phrases abusers use to deny or downplay their abuse. Like Pinocchio, if an abuser’s nose grew an inch for every time he lied about the abuse ever happening, he would inevitably be walking around with his nose touching the ground!

Sometimes you have to wonder whether abusers are really as smart as they think they are. So she fell and her only injury is the black and blue under her eyes? She fell on her eyes, huh? What about your hand, it has a mind of its own? It walked over to her when she was passing and hit her? Okay....

People learned in or aware of abuse, its manifestation, and all the ins and outs of an abuser, such as psychologists, would shake their heads when they hear these clichéd phrases. We have to wonder who the abuser is attempting to fool. Is it the victim or himself, or is it others, whom he believes is as naïve as he is to think no one knows when abuse has happened?

Do not make him make you believe his lies. That is how abusers function. They almost always throw the blame squarely on the victim, or out rightly deny abuse ever happened, in the face of truth and evidence. They are so strategic and manipulative, they work to brainwash you into thinking you are hallucinating about the abuse. Don't let their denial upset you. Understand that that too is a part of the abusive process. 

Their treacherous deceit extends to those in public, and this is an easy task for ‘charming’ abusers. Because what people in public see is their charming personality, and those people are not privy to their cold-hearted, beastly acts in private, these ‘charming’ abusers find it quite simple to get others to believe they are peaches, and could never harm a fly.

They may speak softly and smile the prettiest smile as often as you see them. They appear caring, helpful and kind. Many times these ‘good’ attitudes begin and stop in public. No one in their wildest dreams can envisage this person is a monster. They fit the role and wear the mask of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and they do so perfectly.

Refuse to believe the lies your abusers tell you about the abuse committed against you. Choose not to carry the burden of guilt for your abuser, a burden which rightly belongs on his shoulders. You allow your abuser to revictimized you when you believe the lies.

Focus on you; your inner strength, your future, your goals. Forgive your abuser, and more importantly forgive yourself for falling into an abusive trap. People don’t decide they would enter into an abusive relationship. Usually, by the time abuse begins, you are already deep in the relationship. Remember, no one chooses to be a victim. Forgive, and move on.

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Have you been abused and your abuser lied about it ever happening? How does it make you feel to know he/she would not take responsibility for his/her action, or refuses to apologize for hurting you? Or believe what they did was right and justified?

Share your comments below


  1. Being a strong individaul, but forgiving preson. I never knew how a preson who could be so hurtful in all aspects. As he said ' You boo hooing again' after he threw me against the furntiure, breaking the dresser drawer and seeing stars. On Mother's Day what a wonderful statement..... :Your not my mother, what.... you wanted a card?

  2. Thank you for validating this process of facing an abuser. This information is invaluable. You are doing wonderful work, keep it up!

  3. At first you wonder is what he said true...I refer to this as "crazy making". To help keep my sanity I took pictures while he was at work, created an email account & saved my sanity & my life.