Her Struggles to Find Happiness After Abuse

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From one of our readers/followers

Here is a repost of a comment left on our Wordpress blog http://woman2womansite.wordpress.com/ We found it interesting enough to share with our readers. The young lady was responding to an article titled: “Why Do Some Women Stay in Abusive Relationships” by sharing her own experience with emotional, psychological, and (what may amount to) sexual abuse.

Photo:hakiyetu.org

"I am so glad I found this site. 17 years ago, I left an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and vowed I would never let myself think about it again. In the past few weeks, I find it rearing its ugly little head, and feel I really need to deal with it or I will never be happy again. All of the things that I've read in this blog are so true. The men isolate you from all your friends so you are alone, and belong only to them (in their mind).

I had no idea that anyone else felt like this. Really, no idea. Or maybe I just didn't let myself think about it. I locked it in an emotional safe and forgot the combination.

The man I was with started out as romantic, passionate, caring, demonstrative, and we had the best sexual relationship ever. I had no idea it could be that good. But that good became bad after about 10 months or so as he would pick fights with me because he loved make-up sex. It was like being raped after awhile but no slapping or hitting... just wearing me down until I submitted. How could I do that? I have always been a strong woman who never let any man boss her around. I couldn't believe I was so stupid. And the funny thing is, I don't like using the word 'stupid', but after that relationship I have been using it a lot. I think that's the first thing I'll change as of right this minute.

I was blinded by his words, always telling me he loved me and saying how beautiful I was. I was a good looking woman, so I didn't really need him to tell me I was, but he did it so often that I guess I grew to like it. Also, the I love you" all the time, that blinded me.

And here is something interesting; he was trying to make me think I was crazy. He would mention a movie and say “remember how we laughed at it” or something like that. The first time or so I really wondered if I had forgotten it. But as time went on I made sure I remembered everything so I wouldn't have to wonder, and he did it to me again and again. Telling me I had said things a couple of hours before, and I knew I didn't, because that would not have been something I wanted to do or say. He was evil. And he did it all in the pretense of being super religious. Wow.

So, I'm coming back to this site and I hope other women find it. I have a lot of healing to do and forgiving of myself, because some day I would really like to have a nice healthy, happy, non-abusive relationship with a man. That would be nice. But I'm not settling ever again. And I am so critical of men who are nice to me now.

Women need to band together. We are strong and we deserve to be treated right. That's the truth.

I love you all, my sisters. We can all get through this together."

Miss Anonymous

Have you been in an abusive relationhip. Are you in one right now? Get help! Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You're not alone and there are people waiting to help you!

Also feel free to share your story with us by commenting below or emailing us at womantowomansite@gmail.com

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When Your Abuser Denies the Abuse

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“Oh, she fell”, “She bumped into the door”, “She injured herself”, “My hand hit her when she passed next to me”, “I was only protecting myself”….

Those are but few of the numerous phrases abusers use to deny or downplay their abuse. Like Pinocchio, if an abuser’s nose grew an inch for every time he lied about the abuse ever happening, he would inevitably be walking around with his nose touching the ground!

Sometimes you have to wonder whether abusers are really as smart as they think they are. So she fell and her only injury is the black and blue under her eyes? She fell on her eyes, huh? What about your hand, it has a mind of its own? It walked over to her when she was passing and hit her? Okay....

People learned in or aware of abuse, its manifestation, and all the ins and outs of an abuser, such as psychologists, would shake their heads when they hear these clichéd phrases. We have to wonder who the abuser is attempting to fool. Is it the victim or himself, or is it others, whom he believes is as naïve as he is to think no one knows when abuse has happened?

Do not make him make you believe his lies. That is how abusers function. They almost always throw the blame squarely on the victim, or out rightly deny abuse ever happened, in the face of truth and evidence. They are so strategic and manipulative, they work to brainwash you into thinking you are hallucinating about the abuse. Don't let their denial upset you. Understand that that too is a part of the abusive process. 

Their treacherous deceit extends to those in public, and this is an easy task for ‘charming’ abusers. Because what people in public see is their charming personality, and those people are not privy to their cold-hearted, beastly acts in private, these ‘charming’ abusers find it quite simple to get others to believe they are peaches, and could never harm a fly.

They may speak softly and smile the prettiest smile as often as you see them. They appear caring, helpful and kind. Many times these ‘good’ attitudes begin and stop in public. No one in their wildest dreams can envisage this person is a monster. They fit the role and wear the mask of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and they do so perfectly.

Refuse to believe the lies your abusers tell you about the abuse committed against you. Choose not to carry the burden of guilt for your abuser, a burden which rightly belongs on his shoulders. You allow your abuser to revictimized you when you believe the lies.

Focus on you; your inner strength, your future, your goals. Forgive your abuser, and more importantly forgive yourself for falling into an abusive trap. People don’t decide they would enter into an abusive relationship. Usually, by the time abuse begins, you are already deep in the relationship. Remember, no one chooses to be a victim. Forgive, and move on.

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Have you been abused and your abuser lied about it ever happening? How does it make you feel to know he/she would not take responsibility for his/her action, or refuses to apologize for hurting you? Or believe what they did was right and justified?

Share your comments below

Why Do Abusive Men Abuse?

Is your husband or partner abusive towards you? Why Do Men Abuse? And Their Denial or Minimization of the Abuse

[Although this may sound as if it's a simplistic question, there are greater underlying issues concerning why men abuse. Here's a rationale behind his abusive behavior, plus more common traits of an abusive personality. Whatever you do, remember domestic violence comes from learned behavior.]

by Sanctuary for the Abused

(we have used the male gender, your abuser could be female)

(‘battering’ can be extended to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)

Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.

Men who abuse their partners come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first.

Many batterers are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.

Characteristics of Domestic violence perpetrators:

• Seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner
• Punish their partner for resisting control.

Men who batter:

1. minimize the seriousness of their violence.
2. act impulsively.
3. distrust others.
4. need to control people and situations.
5. express feelings as anger. 

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that “if only” she had acted differently, he wouldn’t have abused her. Sometimes he will say, “You made me do it.”

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

 Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:

• observation
• experience
• culture
• family
• community (peer group, school, etc.)
•  (Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately. )

 Abuse is NOT caused by:

• mental illness
• ADD/ ADHD
• genetics
• alcohol and drugs
• out-of-control behavior
• anger
• stress
• behavior of the victim
• problems in the relationship

Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse. 

Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.

A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a “right” to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:

• “I hit the wall, not her head.”
• “She bruises easily.”
• “She just fell down the steps.”
• “Her face got in the way of my fist.”

 Characteristics of a Potential Batterer 

• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• “Playful” use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality
• History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extreme highs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness

 Manipulation

Abusers often try to manipulate the “system” by:

• Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children. 
• Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner’s financial hardship. 
• Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is “crazy” and making things up. 
• Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him. 
• Telling police she hit him, too.
• Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
• Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.
• Accusing her of stalking him and/or his family.
• Accusing her of harrassment.
• Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to “win” her back in some of these ways:

• Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
• Talking about his “difficult childhood”.
• Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they’ve had.
• Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner. Crying, begging for forgiveness.
• Promising it will “never happen again.” Promising to get counseling, to change.
• Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

Lies Abusers Tell

Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves (their partners and society):

“I just need to be understood”.

"I had a bad childhood.”

 “I can’t control it.”

 "I get angry.”

 “She fights too.”

 “She pushes my buttons.”

 “If I don’t control her, she will control me.”

 “My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”

 “I have a lot of stress in my life.”

 “I just have an anger management problem.”

 “I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”

 Link to original publication http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/why-do-abusive-men-batter-we-have-used.html

Do you think you’re in a relationship with an abuser? Tell us about your experience. Leave your comments below.

Remember, if you’re being abused or battered, it is your right to end it. It is your right to seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24 hour assistance. Call now! 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224

Has your abuser denied or minimize his violence against you? How did it make you feel? Share your experiences with us by commenting below.

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