Disclaimer: This article is not promoting infidelity. It seeks to examine an issue, in this case the issue of monogamy amongst human beings.
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Does the moral expectation to have a one man, one woman marriage or relationship actually impose an immoral a burden on the human race?
If human beings were born to be monogamous why then therefore is infidelity a common problem between couples in every society? Why is it a struggle for many men and women to preserve the sanctity of their relationships and marriages? Why do they still cheat?
“Many authors criticize lifelong sexual monogamy as unnatural and unrealistic. They contend that humans have never been a sexually monogamous species, and that cultural expectations of sexual monogamy place enormous burdens on individuals to fulfill all the sexual needs of their partners. These expectations are quite unrealistic given how much variety exists in people's sexual desires and sex drives.” (J. Bancroft 1989)
Monogamy is a term used for a one man, one woman marriage or relationship. To involve one other or more partners is called cheating or infidelity. Some religions and cultures sanction non-monogamy under the banner and practice of polygamy.
Off the bat, and biologically speaking, if you’re a man, you might find it hard to say without a doubt that you are naturally monogamous, considering the whopping number of times a properly functioning, healthy man thinks of sex per hour, not to mention the impact of increased sperm production on his sexuality. Be that as it may, this article is not targeting any specific gender to single them out and point fingers. Both men and women cheat. Punto finale! But should society look down on them because of what could be a naturally occurring phenomenon? In a world of stress, is society’s imposition for monogamy an additional, unnecessary burden for humans to carry?
Cheating on a spouse or partner is something that is common in many societies, and is evidenced in the number of marriages or relationships which fall apart as a result of infidelity. Curious kittens, writers, psychologists….have tried to figure out why people cheat, and you might have come across articles on the question. A list of superficial reasons, such as neglect by the one partner, is among those listed for why a man or a woman might cheat. But, what about what lies below the surface; what might be something inherent?
It provokes the analytical mind to dig deeper and to ask itself whether human beings were meant to be monogamous by nature. Could it be possible that men and women cheat because it is a design of the human order? Let us endeavor to assess the factors which may help us (a) understand human behavior in relationships, (b) why people cheat on their partners, (c) whether this behavior can be controlled, (d) if not, it’s impact on the cheater and his or her relationship and (e) the impact on the wider society.
General understanding of human socio-sexual behavior in relationships
Humans enter relationships for various reasons, the most common being to receive and give love and affection, and to provide for each other’s physical and non-physical needs and to support each other. They also do so with the aim of producing children. Most of the times when the relationship is in bliss, it may not occur to either partner to step out on the other, principally because needs are being met, and the relationship is fulfilling. However, when things begin to get sour, the ball game changes and ideas for filling the voids left by the action or inaction of a partner may enter the other partner’s mind. At the end of the day, the primary reasons for entering into a relationship is for love, affection, and sexual fulfillment. Those things, gradually diminishing, or becoming absent altogether, may force a partner, or both into seeking the fulfillment outside of the relationship. It may not occur to a partner having thoughts and ideas to seek external fulfillment (and mind you, it doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual fulfillment) that he or she is actually thinking about cheating, until perhaps the deed is done. Then an“Oh my God! What have I done!?” In short, relationship is going good—all things crisp; relationship is going bad—potential for affairs.
Mind you, there are cases when people cheat even when the relationship is in full bloom. And here is where the curious mind tries to reconcile the reasons why people cheat and whether it is a foregone, but unknown, conclusion that human beings are not meant to stay faithful; that every one of us has the ingrained potential to cheat in and out of relationship bliss; but it is how we handle our selves at crunch time that makes the difference between those who succumb to the temptations or urge and those who do NOT.
Take the following, for example:
What causes a person to cheat?
"Monogamous couples are completely dependent on each other for affection and sex; and many become dissatisfied due to sexual incompatibilities, differences in level or frequency of sex, boredom with their sexual patterns. When they feel strong sexual attractions towards others they must repress these feelings or end their current relationship in order to have sex with someone else. Many complain bitterly that although they love their spouse and feel strongly attracted to him or her, the spouse doesn't want sex frequently enough or does not enjoy the same sexual activities. This leaves one partner always wanting more sex or more variety in sexual practices, and the other always feeling pressured for sex, often resulting in one partner having secret affairs with other lovers to fulfill their sexual needs." (1)
People cheat for a number of reasons, the common ones being (a) neglect by one partner (b) ill-treatment by one partner (c) lack of sex given by one partner (d) sexual inabilities or impotency of one partner (e) lack of love and affection by one partner (f) payback: because the other partner cheated or is cheating (g) unable control one’s desire for sex
Some primary consequences of cheating
Cheating is not acceptable; it’s not kool, except in “open relationships”, a form of relationship which by consent allows third parties to enjoy emotional and sexual relations with one’s partner. Cheating, when exposed, almost always bring destruction to relationships, and to the very extreme, the maiming or killing of one by partner n the other. It’s that’s serious. When it comes to sharing intimacy, humans can be diabolically selfish; ironically even for the ones who themselves have cheated.
Even if the relationship does not come to an end, trust is broken, love may wane, the other partner may go out and cheat too—the relationship is never the same again.
Can cheating behavior be controlled?
Cheating behavior can be controlled, but one must first see cheating as a problem, not necessarily abnormal or unnatural, just as a problem or a problem-causing factor in his or her relationship. He or she must consider their natural propensity towards sexual relations, the morality of their actions, and the impact on those in direct line of fire of their actions. Controlling one’s tendencies toward multiple relationships or sexual partners, however, may not be easy for one to achieve without the intervention of medical treatment and or psychological therapy, all of which one might hasten to say is a waste of precious time and money if it is that human beings are NOT meant to be faithful to one partner for their entire lifetime.
What is the impact of cheating on the wider society
Again, cheating, or perhaps better put, non-monogamous partners not only put their own sense of morality in question but have to face the fact of their actions, their consequences on the other partner and the relationship, and find ways of controlling or curing their propensity to gravitate to more than one partner at a time.
Infidelity is an abhorrent act for many societies which, theoretically, subscribe to monogamy. Having disdain for such conduct, those caught in the cross fire have to find means of coping with what, though not clearly scientifically proven, seem to be a variation of the human nature. As such, the practice of open relationships has come to sort of legitimize what would otherwise be cheating, had it not been for the knowledge on the part of both parties that each other will be and is seeking extra-martial, extra-relationship ‘affairs’, though, due to given consent, one may argue it cannot be termed an affair. But that, by itself, is another argument and another article.
As Bancroft observed, "It is not that I feel any deep-rooted moral objection to a lack of sexual exclusiveness in long-term relationships. It is rather that I am increasingly aware of the difficulties that the vast majority of humans have in coping with it. The ideal of the open marriage seems to me to be a fine one. In addition to the central primary relationship, it recognises other less permanent, sexual or non-sexual relationships, which may in themselves be mutually rewarding and self-fulfilling.” (2)
So persons seek alternative ways to satisfying their emotional and sexual desires, while still trying to maintain the primary relationship. Persons who practice alternatives to monogamy have attested to how much engaging in an open relationship bring an ease to the struggles and burdens of trying to remain faithful to one partner, and have also boasted of how it spices up the primary relationship. In light of all this, one may ask whether the practice of monogamy is actually a benefit or a burden to each individual human being.
“Many authors criticize lifelong sexual monogamy as unnatural and unrealistic. They contend that humans have never been a sexually monogamous species, and that cultural expectations of sexual monogamy place enormous burdens on individuals to fulfill all the sexual needs of their partners. These expectations are quite unrealistic given how much variety exists in people's sexual desires and sex drives. In addition, sexual desires and sex drives can change over time due to circumstances (e.g., periods of high stress or poor health) and due to normal aging (e.g., changes in hormonal levels). Loving partners can find themselves mismatched in terms of their current sexual desires or sex drives. The failure to live up to unrealistic expectations of lifelong sexual monogamy causes people needless suffering.” (3)(wikipedia)No amount of fact-finding however gives anyone a license to cheat. But at the same time should you bury your head in the sand? An excursion in the study of human sexuality may help you better understand human sexual behavior. The more one understands, he or she might be better poised to handle the temptations and urges of seeking emotional and sexual fulfillment in the arms of another.
Labriola, K. (2006) Are you open to an alternative lifestyle? Retrieved June 2, 2006, from http://www.polyorlando.org/html/non-monogamy.htm%20.
Bancroft, J. (1989). Human Sexuality and its Problems. Edinburgh: Churchill Livingstone.
Do you think human beings are meant to be faithful to one person for life? How does cheating or not cheating impacts a marriage or relationship? Comment below
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