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by Zoe Mendez, Writer for Woman to Woman Blog Talk
"Players are liars. Some are very good at it whilst others are not, and their stories are never consistent.”
Is there really a distinct characteristic by which one can recognise a player? This question plagued my mind as I began to ponder over this question. I even wondered whether all the women in world should exchange their encounters to be able to accomplish the mission of recognizing true players, way before we get caught in their game. The one thing I am sure of is that "players" are out there in all varieties, smart and not so smart, young and mature, distinguished "looking", bad boys, quiet, easy going, and some with the I-cannot-harm-a-fly look. What I am trying to say is that a player has no distinct look, but they do have distinctive traits by which they can be identified.
As a single female who has been browsing through the dating world for a few decades, I have made some interesting discoveries. These have been not just about myself, but regarding some of the fine men I have encountered along my dating journey in my quest to find my Prince.
Several questions have always bugged me. I often wonder why is it so difficult for some men to keep it real? Why the games, the lies, the deception? Do they even realize that it is not even necessary? I am sure women would agree in most instances it's the woman who decides in advance exactly what it will be and when it will go down... if you know what I mean. I chuckled at the thought because I am forever amused by the entire charade, which I am sure causes a lot of us to shake our heads sometimes in disgust at the lengths and routes some men would go to just to get some. The one thing my friends and I agree on is that when it comes to men and these issues that overwhelm us, these are million dollar questions. We may never understand why they do what they do, just like they claim they would never understand us. The dating mantra of one of my besties is, "sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you can discover your Prince". But geez! I don't know about her, but I am tired of the frog kissing game. I feel like I have kissed my share of frogs with no satisfying results. Now if you are a gentleman reading this, please do not misconstrue my sentiment. I am not saying men are frogs. I am merely referring to the fairy tale idea of meeting the right one. You might be acquainted with the story.
On a serious note though, along the way I have made a few discoveries which I am using as my guide. When a man is really interested in a woman there is very little she has to do. She just has to be gracious, feminine and reciprocate positively, providing she feels the same way about him. Secondly, when a man finds a woman he is feeling for, he walks right into her life and all of a sudden everything is better just because he is there. The most important one is, when a man really cares and considers you to be that ‘special’ one, “BUSY” is not a word in his vocabulary. You never have to fuss about not hearing from him or seeing him. He makes it happen, despite whatever he has going on. He invests his time and pretty much does whatever he needs to do to ensure you know you are his queen.
Now, don't get me wrong "Players" are not all bad people. Some would never admit to or openly adapt the title of being a player - especially to a female. He might hit his chest when he is with his boys. Men display characteristics that fit the definition perfectly. Some of these guys are actually fun to be with and every now and then a woman who is a game changer comes along and he walks her down the aisle. Whether he is completely rehabilitated is another story. Now ladies beware….. you can be as cute as a button, or as sexy as a kitten, but still, when it comes to what this man really wants, there is no formula. You can be giving him upside down sex and it would not change the price for cheese…a player is a player. What we have to understand is he loves women, women are his weakness, and like a little child in a candy store, he would take as many bites of the variety that is available to him whether he is allowed or not.
Like most women, I don't hate the player. I just despise the bloody game. My definition of a player is someone who is a womanizer. He is not straightforward about his life, what he has going on, or what his true intentions are when it comes to dating you. He strings as many women as he can get away with along for the ride. He lies, cheats and deceives; he pretty much does whatever is necessary to accomplish his mission and conquer. He wants to add your heart to his jar of hearts collection. This is his way of life, and he shows no mercy. With some players it is not always about sex, it's about getting control of all of you, and he would go to all lengths to ensure you fall hard. For others, the mission could vary, but the bottom line is just about ‘bussing them’ drawers and moving on with little or no regard for your feelings.
In my eyes, players are cowards. They walk around giving the impression that they are on top of their game, but deep down they have no clue, when it comes to dealing with women. They seem to be so caught up their own macho BS that letting you know what their true intentions and emotions are, as far as you are concerned, is the furthest from their mind. And some would insist that they are keeping it real. Yeah Right!
I think I can safely speak for most women and say we would always have more respect for a guy who is honest despite the baggage he brings along. I once dated a guy who let me know up front that he had another woman, he told me straight up, "I love both of you, and I am not choosing". He did everything he could to ensure I was never unhappy. He split his time equally (at least I was led to believe this) and I always knew what he was doing. As ludicrous as it may sound, there was comfort in knowing that when he was not with me, he was with her. I respected him so much for his ironic honesty. Call me crazy if you wish, but it was one of my best relationship experiences. He eventually migrated. I shared that to make this point: When you know exactly what you are dealing with it makes it so much easier to manoeuvre in your relationship. It allows you the individual to choose whether or not you want to be a part of a particular situation as opposed to being dragged into something you have no clue about. It lets you know that the person respects you enough when they share the truth. It also eliminates the devastation that accompanies deception and betrayal. Unfortunately, not everyone has the balls to be straight up. They have been playing the game for so long that it's their way of life. The only way to tell whether or not you are dating a player is combined by two simple words - PAY ATTENTION! Simple!
Develop your listening skills, connect with your inner compass, and learn to trust what you feel and see.
- Observe the body language and natural habits of the person you are dealing with.
- Learn to separate your emotions from what is. Pay attention to his phone habits when you are together. Some guys are naturally not phone-a-holics, whereas others never put theirs down.
- Does he lie to the person on the other end of the line saying he is out with co-workers or the boys when he was just planting a sensuous kiss on you?
- Is he sneaky and shady about what he is doing or his whereabouts or his availability for a date with you?
- Is he a man of his word, does he call when he says he would? Granted there may be the odd times when it's not possible, a man who respects you and your time would not keep you hanging if he can't keep a date with you. He would call with an excuse even if it is a frivolous one.
- Don't be afraid to engage him, ask questions, get him to talk about himself and do turn off the chatter in your head so you can make a mental note of the things he shares. I am not saying be paranoid. :) Believe me, things discussed in private sometimes pop up in casual chats when you least expect and sometimes the information does not synchronize. Players are liars. Some are very good at it whilst others are not and their stories are never consistent.
In my quest to meet my Prince Charming, I have encountered just about every type of player who's out there (I think). Maybe it is something about me that attracts this type of scenario. Though I consider myself to be very down to earth, straightforward, and easy going, I believe in keeping it real and try my best to live by my personal mantra which is "whatever it is you want for yourself, you should be willing and able to give it to others". But hey, they find me nevertheless, or I find them, whatever….
From my male player pals, and the experiences of some of my besties, here are a few groups I pulled together.
THE UNDERCOVER PLAYER PROFILE:-
This guy is actually one of my favourites. He is often the very distinguished looking gentleman, classy, elegant, dresses well, and smells good. He is always well put together even when he is in a pair of shorts. When you see him he looks like he walked off the cover of GQ magazine. He may not be the most handsome man, but he looks good. He is likely to have a very important position in his corporate world, or may have his own business. He walks tall and appears to be conservative. He is well respected among his peers and co-workers and his ethics appear to be of a very high quality. He scoffs at other men who are openly promiscuous and he lets you believe that he would never dog a woman out, even if his life depended on it.
With these qualities, one would never entertain the thought of him being a player. This guy shows you a great time. He takes you to the best restaurants, takes you on trips, gives you the best (providing he can) and makes you feel like as though you are the queen in a room filled with other equally beautiful and attractive women. At the end of an evening with him, you feel like you are the center of his world. He is very patient; he is kind, considerate and always ready to be your knight in shining armour. With him, sex is not his ultimate goal, your heart is. Before you know it, you can fall so hard that by the time you realize that Mr Perfect is capable of dogging you out just like every other player, you would be too devastated to figure out what or how it was even possible. In your mind, he spent every extra minute of his busy day merging your worlds. You may have caught him once or twice but he is too slick, he would go to the extent to share details of his so-called business trip, knowing fully well that he was on vacation with his other woman. The only way you found out that you were played is because the other woman sent you the evidence. Only hard evidence would get you out of the shackles of this one.
THE MR LOVER MAN PLAYER PROFILE:-
He is smooth, very attractive, and suave. He is very much into his looks, so grooming is at the top of his many priorities. He has a great sense of humour and the personality to go with it. He's very sociable and can be the life of the party. He’s the kind of guy your friends would love. Usually he's not working in a very demanding field so he has the time to invest in going to the gym to maintain his 6 pack, even though he may not have one. This mister is also very patient, affectionate, caring, kind and sweet, because he is a lover. He is a good communicator; therefore you will spend a lot of time talking with him. By the time he is ready to take you to his bed you are comfortable. He knows what a woman needs and craves for the most, and he is often patient with the process. He'll love you down from your head to toe, making you feel like you are the only one.
In public, the charade continues and he would kiss your feet if he feels the need to because he is spontaneous. This guy makes you feel like a queen but it's not really about you, it’s all about him. By the end of the evening or weekend you will be the one spending - gas in his car, you will get the meal tabs, and may even pay for the hotel all because you really want to. He is so sweet to you that you are prepared to sell your soul for this man. He takes you on a silent guilt trip so you are always doing things to make him feel like the God he thinks he is. This man really does feel he is God's gift to women and he has absolutely no qualms about it. When you are under the spell of Mr Lover man you don't seem to mind going the extra mile to make him feel special. He is a taker and would do anything to get what he wants from everyone in his game. He usually would let you know that he is seeing other women. The ones who could afford it would go the lengths and breaths to out do each other for time with this man, therefore, he walks away as the winner every time.
MR SUPER COOL PLAYER PROFILE:-
He is usually an average looking guy, not very physically attractive, but not bad looking either. He has that ruggedness to his overall appearance that can be sexy, if you are into that type. His sense of style is classic as he is not flashy since he doesn't care to look like the average guy. He’s a workaholic and a tv-holic, often introverted, appears to be a loner, and does not belong to any particular clique or have a big circle of friends. With him you are not so sure he is into you, but he is your friend. He is the kind of guy you can count on if you ever find yourself in a jam and need someone. Even though he comes across as enigmatic, you want to get closer. There is something about him that makes you want to get in there and take care of him. Then, one day he allows you in. This man would probably never be the one to make the first move. Women get on him like white on rice because he is so cool, a bit shy or aloof. When it comes to hitting it, he doesn't mind waiting with you. What you don't know is, no sex with you means he could be committed else where so he can appear to be the perfect guy because he is not pushing.
Mr Super Cool is a hottie between the sheets, but while the sex might be great, the relationship is a drag because he is not sociable. He is neither exciting nor adventurous, but yet he manages to keep your attention. With him there seems to be no apparent aim and he appears to like having you around. You are never really sure what's going on in his life because he doesn't talk much. Spending time with him is dangerous. This type of man can drop you a bombshell that can rip you to shreds if you are not strong. He is likely to say something like "guess what I am getting married" or "I don't know how to tell you this, but my ex says she is pregnant".... All the time you would put your head on a block that it's just you and him...oh, no!!!
MR NOT-SO-SMART PLAYER PROFILE
He doesn’t have much going on for starters, or so it seems. He does appears to be ambitious and might be trying to better himself. He may talk the talk but the question is, is he really doing what needs to be done to get himself to a better place? He is a smooth talker, says all the right things at the appropriate time. His personality is easy going, down to earth and he loves to joke around; he makes you laugh that's how he will get your attention. He is the guy that catches you off guard. You would take one look at him and your first thought is naaaay, he is not my type. With him your listening skills will have to be way above average. He is one of the most dangerous. Whilst everyone else lies, this one is the inventor of all lies. He would convince you that white is blue and in the moment you would be taken. He doesn't know you but wants to introduce you to his family, or talks about it. He introduces you to his friends as his future wife on your first date, he gives you the impression that he was waiting for you to come along to complete his world.
From the getting to know him stage, it seems that he begs for sympathy, it’s not in your face, he’s subtle about it. He tells you about his cheating ex-girl/wife and he presents himself as a loner because his friend got a piece of his pie. He was betrayed so he trusts no one; this is a man with serious trust issues. He may go as far as revealing details such as his really devastating childhood days or his discovering that his only child is not his after a paternity test. He is eager to impress that it probably clouds his judgement. I once heard a story of a Mr Not So Smart who showed up on his very first date with a gift bag, which was a nice gesture, but upon opening the bag my girl was greeted by panties... Ding dong! I thought that was a very inappropriate first date gift. He was not planning to waste any time. What turns me off about Mr Not-So-Smart is that he doesn’t seem to be aware that he needs to adjust his game, all women are not the same, so you really have to not be so smart yourself to get caught in his game.
MR GOODY-TWO-SHOES PLAYER PROFILE:-
This guy is the most interesting of all. As a teen when everyone was hanging out and having fun, he was beating the books. He is the intellectual and may have been an altar boy or from a strong Christian background. He could be a late bloomer, which makes him seem a little inexperienced with the ladies, or so you may be led to believe. He can be found in the pews of church looking all innocent. Women usually get carried away with men who speak the word and are always talking about God. Underneath all that bible talk he is obsessed with sex. He is the one that would invite you over to watch a movie, before you get there he will try to convince you and probably himself that nothing would happen. He might even tell you that he is not interested in sex. You are not safe with him. He hides behind his bible and his intellectual conversations. If you are gullible, you may end up being one of his baby mamas.
MR MARRIED MAN PLAYER PROFILE:-
He is never going to leave his wife for you. She is at home caring for her family whilst he is out playing the field as though he is single and available. He would tell you how sick he is of his relationship. He would complain that wifey is a plain Jane. He would make her sound like she is the one who trained the wicked step-sisters. She is so mean and awful to him, but yet he stays married and devoted to her and the children. This Player is very selfish. If he is in a good place financially, he will ensure that by the time he is done with you, he owns you. He is demanding and controlling. Before you know it you are so caught up in his web of lies and would need a bulldozer to pull you out of his trap. This player gets his kick by enjoying the best of both worlds.
I am sure each of you reading this can add a profile or two to what is here. Bottom line is that as women, we really have to tune in and I mean that literally. Tune in to your inner wisdom for guidance in everything you do. Trusting your inner guide should be everything to you. I admit that it is sometimes the hardest thing to do. For so long the men we love are so busy getting their game on with us that they unconsciously or consciously aid us in distrusting ourselves and disconnecting us from our divine source of guidance. There are so many times we know for sure what is, but we allow the influence of an outside voice coming from the cute face to interfere with what we know. You have to be strong because in the moment you will be convinced that what you hear is not what it is.
You have to practice getting centred. Train yourself to connect. Train yourself to trust all that is within you. Know that when you are truly connected to the source that is omnipresent, whatever is in the dark comes to light. Learn to disconnect your emotions and let Divine Wisdom show you what it is. You would never have to go digging in search of evidence or put yourself in embarrassing positions to catch your man in the act. When you are not in a good place, Divine mind reveals it. You just have to learn to trust and embrace what you see and make decisions that will be best for you in the end. Once you seek inner guidance you will get it.
And if per chance you fail miserably at being in touch with your intuition or natural instinct, you cannot go wrong by approaching the dating scene with an opinion of first importance, skewed or biased, or paranoid as it may be, that EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL PLAYER.
We know you are itching to say something! Feel free to jump in and comment below.
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