Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Why Women Continue to Stay in Abusive Relationships.

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Read When Your Abuser Denies the Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this week America is celebrating the cause of women who have survived domestic violence as well step up the campaign of advocacy against domestic violence against women, men, and children.

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we recognize the significant achievements we have made in reducing domestic violence in America, and we recommit ourselves to the important work still before us. Despite tremendous progress, an average of three women in America die as a result of domestic violence each day. One in four women and one in thirteen men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. These statistics are even more sobering when we consider that domestic violence often goes unreported.

The ramifications of domestic violence are staggering. Young women are among the most vulnerable, suffering the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Exposure to domestic violence puts our young men and women in danger of long-term physical, psychological, and emotional harm. Children who experience domestic violence are at a higher risk for failure in school, emotional disorders, and substance abuse, and are more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence themselves later in life.

Read the full proclamation by President Obama by accessing the link here:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/10/03/presidential-proclamation-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month

Considering the latest statistics, that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, this is not only an eye-opening figure, but one has to go on further to ask why many times victims remain in their abusive relationships. It is a topical issue which has plagued the minds of advocates and those who work to understand the gamut of issues surrounding domestic violence and victims’ response.

Woman to Woman Blog Talk decided to share a few comments we have received from women themselves who either have been or are in domestic violence relationships/marriages or work to assist victims. The question was posed, WHY DO SOME WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?

Read Mary Battafuoco's story of survival click My Survival Story

My Hypothetical Divorce says:

“I have to chime in- even at 56k way up in the mountains. The first and most devastating reason that women stay is illustrated by the statistical evidence that, WOMEN WHO ARE IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED WHEN THEY TRY TO LEAVE THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME.

Even women who perhaps haven’t heard about this instinctually know that they are at high risk when they endeavor to leave. It’s really just simple addition. “He’s nuts, he’s volatile and if I leave it’s gonna most definitely piss him off. High stress + change = unpredictable results.

For many women, I think the second reason is CHILDREN.

For women already in crisis, the emotional and financial costs of leaving may seem insurmountable when a child’s health and well being are also at stake. It’s easy to say… “Hey, forget it! If I have to live in my car for a couple of months, I’ll be fine, when you are not a parent.” It’s not easy to uproot a child, especially if no harm has ever come to the child, just to ensure your own safety. Most battered women with children have already been controlled by their abuser with isolation and financial dependency. That leaves women with very few resources to fend for themselves, much less protect and provide for a child.

The fact that our family courts are broken into pieces doesn’t help either. Some women find the task of a divorce terrifying when our courts favor the parent most likely to co-operate. Battered women are seen as over protective in private courtrooms and currently many of their children have been or will be sent with their abusive fathers (who appear more composed in court), only to be battered themselves or even die.

Women who are aware of this epidemic, as well as women who are not, have good reason to fear divorce and custody battles that they engage their abusers in. Abusive people are, after all, astoundingly good manipulators.

So that’s my beef with the question as to why women stay in abusive relationships. That’s why my divorce is “hypothetical”."

Dede says:

"I am so glad I found this site. 17 years ago I left an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and vowed I would never let myself think about it again. In the past few weeks I find it rearing it’s ugly little head and feel I really need to deal with it or I will never be happy again. All of the things that I’ve read in this blog are so true. The men isolate you from all your friends so you are alone, and belong only to them (in their mind).

I had no idea that anyone else felt like this, really no idea. Or maybe I just didn’t let myself think about it. I locked it in an emotional safe and forgot the combination.

The man I was with started out as romantic, passionate, caring, demonstrative, and we had the best sexual relationship ever. I had no idea it could be that good. But that good became bad after about 10 months or so as began to pick fights with me because he loved make-up sex. It was like being raped after awhile but no slapping or hitting… just wearing me down until I submitted. How could I do that? I have always been a strong woman who never let any man boss her around. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid. And the funny thing is, I don’t like using the word ‘stupid’, but after that relationship I have been using it a lot. I think that’s the first thing I’ll change as of right this minute.

I was blinded by his words, always telling me he loved me and saying how beautiful I was. I was a good looking woman, so I didn’t really need him to tell me I was, but he did it so often that I guess I grew to like it. Also, the ‘I love you” all the time. That blinded me.

And here is something interesting. He was trying to make me think I was crazy. He would mention a movie and say ‘remember how we laughed at it’ or something like that. The first time I really wondered if I had forgotten it. But as time went on I made sure I remembered everything so I wouldn’t have to wonder, and he did it to me again and again. Telling me I had said things a couple of hours before, and I knew I didn’t, because that would not have been something I wanted to do or say. He was evil. And he did it all in the pretense of being super religious. Wow.

So, I’m coming back to this site and I hope other women find it. I have a lot of healing to do and forgiving of myself, because some day I would really like to have a nice healthy, happy, non-abusive relationship with a man. That would be nice. But I’m not settling ever again. And I am so critical of men who are nice to me now.

Women need to band together. We are strong and we deserve to be treated right. That’s the truth.

I love you all, my sisters. We can all get through this together."

Barbara says:

"Not only do I have a blog but I mentor women online coming out of abusive relationships. I learned something HUGE – Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, brainwashed, mind controlled women who are bonded to the abuse and simply can’t even think about leaving. Fear and brainwashing keep them in the relationship.

I strongly recommend every woman get and read a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA. It’s not on Amazon – there’s a link on my blog and I don’t make a dime on it. It’s vital information – don’t be put off by the title. You’ll learn loads about the victim side of the abuse dynamic.

Vist my website at http://abusedsanctuary.blogsot.com/

Domestic Violence Awareness Month evolved from the first Day of Unity observed in October, 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The intent was to connect battered women advocates across the nation who were working to end violence against women and their children. The Day of Unity soon became a special week when a range of activities were conducted at the local, state, and national levels. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.ncadv.org/ )"

You might also like The Police Role in the Fight Against Domestic Violence

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Judging and Blaming the Woman Can Worsen Domestic Violence

By Woman to Woman Blog Talk Click to LIKE us on FACEBOOK

If you or someone you know is in an abusive marriage or relationship, hard as it is, the only option is to leave! Unfortunately, for many women it is not that simple. In the meantime, these women are often made to feel responsible for the abuse and violence.

What is more disturbing is the ease at which some blame the woman for domestic violence committed against her, often without understanding the myriad of factors and issues at play. Ironically, women are more often the ones who are quick to cast blame. Without accepting that women are to be blamed, relevant questions are: What about the man? Should his actions be overlooked, justified, condoned?

When persons find out that a woman suffered lengthy periods of domestic abuse and violence, often the first question that comes is, “Why did you stay with him?” There is no one or clear answer to the question, and, as Psychologist Lenore E. Walker, Battered Woman pointed out way back in the 1970′s, there are “complex psychological and sociological reasons,“ which help explain why women stay. As relevant as the question “Why does she stay?“ may be, we have to be careful about what we ask or say in such sensitive situations. It can do more harm than good. Asking such questions can suggest that the woman either enjoyed or thrived on the abuse and is to be blamed for what happened to her. Obviously, if she didn’t like it she would leave, right? Or, is her self-esteem that low? Those are often not the reasons why a woman chooses to stay. In fact, I won’t even regard it as a choice, since often times she is staying against her will. Looking on from the outside, for example as a relative or friend, we must understand the effects of our words and actions towards the abused woman. We can make the situation worse by our approach without realizing it!

Until you are in that woman’s shoes, you will not know, as she may put it, “how hard it is to leave and how difficult it is to stay.” It’s like being “caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.”

Don’t get me wrong, this article is not meant to encourage women to stay in abusive relationships nor is it meant to justify why they do not leave. The purpose is to highlight key reasons why some women stay and, perhaps more importantly, to caution victim-blamers. As a person on the outside, the key role is to support, not to judge and blame. Blaming the woman even after she quitted the violent relationship can also have adverse effects.

Some things victim-blamers and people generally should understand

•Victim-blaming can breed dangerous consequences for the victim, e.g., cause her to lose self-esteem, and ultimately stay in her situation in fear of being further judged, humiliated, embarrassed, and isolated by those to whom she tells her story. Make no mistake, victims need help and a safer place to stay. But, your duty is not to add salt to her wounds. If she stays on, she can eventually wind up badly injured or dead!

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, you must also understand that abusive relationships don’t start with violence. One expert pointed out that abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. By then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time. It’s hard to judge the decisions a victim makes to survive. But people nonetheless jump to victim-blaming with ease.

Also, victim-blamers often don’t understand that abusers work to break the victim’s self-esteem. Even though victim–blamers know the abuser is the villain, they will still jump to the conclusion that a woman who stays with such a man is clearly a fool—one who chooses to condone the situation.

“Blaming women for causing men to batter them has resulted in their shame, embarrassment, denial, and further loss of self esteem. The batterer feels justified in his violent behavior because society says it is really the woman’s fault, not his. It perpetuates his notion that he should beat her up because she did something to make him angry. What gets lost in this victim’s precipitation ideology is the fact that such violence is not acceptable behaviour.” (Walker)

Be non-judgmental. Instead, try to understand the issues and why the woman stays without directly seeking answers from the victim herself. Think about it and ask yourself what obstacles might prevent her from leaving her partner. Does she love him? Is he the father of her child/children? Does he control the finances?

Why some women stay

There are a number of reasons that can explain why many women feel forced to stay in their abusive relationships. Some common reasons are:

•Lack of resources

•Responses by services and authorities

•Tradition

Lack of resources

“He is the breadwinner and I don’t have money to take care of myself and children” is a common answer to the question, “Why stay?” When she does not have the financial resources to leave she doesn’t, as she often fears a lower standard of living for herself and children. Statistics show that many abused women are those who are:

•Unemployed and/or don’t have their own property;

•Have had their cash or bank accounts cut off by the abuser;

•Have at least one minor child;

•Fear losing joint assets and custody of their children, etc.

Responses by authorities and services

The police, clergy, and social workers have duties to deal with domestic violence. The question is how effective are they in dealing with them? Unfortunately, in some countries or states, police may sometime treat incidents of domestic violence as mere “domestic disputes” or a “private matter,” rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another. Fortunately, many if not all U.S states strive towards a zero-tolerance approach to domestic abuse and violence. As an option, a restraining/protection order can be obtained to prevent further physical contact/abuse by the abuser, but such orders are not a guaranteed shield against a repeat of violence.

Tradition

Tradition can be good but sometimes it can be our worst enemy. Suggest divorce as an option or the way out of her violent relationship and the victim will almost always look at you as if you’re crazy. Paranoid about saving her marriage—sadly at all cost, she may accuse you of wanting to break up her marriage. Blame it on tradition. Society is so skewed in its thinking that it sees and measures a woman’s worth by her ability to ‘keep a man’; that women are responsible for making their marriage or relationship work; and therefore if it fails, they have failed.

At the end of the day, breaking off the relationship is usually not an option for many of these women—well, at least, not a simple option, especially when children are involved or if the victims are financially weak. As a last resort and by the time she could muster the courage to cut her losses, she would have already lost a lot of herself.

Remember, support NOT judge and blame. “By perpetuating the belief that it is rational to blame the victim for her abuse, we ultimately excuse men for their crime…The violence will only cease when every person, man or woman, stops defensively rationalizing and begins to understand just how such acts come about in our culture and why they continue.” (Walker)

Women, you have an even greater responsibility to stand up for your fellow women.

Why do you think she stays? We welcome your comments below. Let us know what you think.

Coypright, Woman to Woman Blog Talk, All rights reserved. Repost, July 26, 2010, first posted May 18, 2010