Toxic People Are Emotional Vampires Who Can Destroy Your Life

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By Woman to Woman


There is no way around it. We need to rid our lives of toxic people, or they will destroy us, one strand at a time. Whether it is the Sneaky Passive Aggressive Silent-But-Deadly Erupting Volcano, the Instigating Backstabbing Meddler, the Emotional Refrigerator, the Socio-Psychopath...the clock is ticking away on that relationship. It is only a matter of time before the moment of ultimate destruction.

Who are toxic people? They are emotional vampires. They are those who you can do without, period. They add no measure, no cubit, no square foot to your existence. In other words, they serve little or no positive purpose in your life. It can be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, co-worker, boss, or anyone connected to you in some way or the other.

The Wives Tell-All

A group of wives were talking about their relationships, as they met at Starbucks for coffee, one Saturday afternoon.

Jessica complained that her husband constantly nags and puts her down. He’s the Jealous Competitor, constantly jealous of her abilities and her accomplishments. Nothing she achieves is good, at least not in his eyes. He either directly diminishes her achievements or talks about his as being superior to hers. She said he makes her feel as if she’s not as good as she really is.

Martha too is married. She and her husband, Jack, started off their relationship with a bang! Before long, she came to realize he was an Emotional Refrigerator. He would stop talking to her when he’s upset. This would go on for weeks on end. To add salt to her wounds, he is in the habit of withholding sex, and his affection. Nothing gets done during this period. They just go about their daily business as if each other is invisible.

Gwen cringes when she hears about Martha’s plight. But she has worries of her own. Her husband turns out to be a manipulative, pathological liar. He’s so good at it, he couldn’t tell his own truth apart from his lies. His truths have become his lies, his lies, his truths.

She can never get a straight answer from him, and he turns every issue around to re-direct the blame to her. For him, everyone has hurt or been bad to him. Nothing is ever his fault.

Julie jumps in and says that Gwen’s husband reminds her of Jim, her husband, only he’s a worst case scenario. He is a true socio-psychopath. In addition to being a manipulative, cheating-liar, he is abusive, verbally and emotionally, and has no remorse whatsoever. He makes threats to harm her and others if he doesn’t get his way and uses people to achieve his selfish goals. He’s emotionally devoid, despite he would speak of love and affection or even cry. The truth is, he has no sense of connection with his emotional side, much less to emotionally connect to anyone else. He knows Julie’s weaknesses and uses them to his advantage. He gets her every time!

Lisa is all ears, by now. She’s shocked that she’s not the only one having issues with their husband’s behavior and attitude. She swore she was married to Mr. charming, all-smiley-goody-two-shoe-can’t-do-no-wrong. She was utterly fooled by John when they met. He fools everyone else too, especially his colleagues at work. They believe he wouldn’t harm a fly. Okay, maybe he won’t harm a fly but he would harm a human being, and he does harm her, emotionally and physically. Lisa bites back tears as she reveals some of the behavioral traits of her Casanova. This Casanova turns out to be the Sneaky Passive Aggressive-Silent-But-Deadly Erupting Volcano. When this ‘silent volcano’ erupts, he would grab, slap or punch her in the face.

Olivia is stunned. Lisa’s husband is the nicest guy she knows! She jumps into the conversation to get her pound in. She says, “I love my husband, he’s a sweetheart, but he’s is easily influenced and controlled by the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of others. His mother, his entire family, and his friends, even his co-workers are always telling him what to do and how to live his life. Essentially, they live our lives for us. Boy, am I’m disgusted by that? He never gets anything done, procrastinates eternally, and is never sure about making commitments about important aspect of his life.” Lillian Glass, PhD., has a name for him. The Wishy-Washy Spineless Wimp. Glass documented the 11 toxic personalities in her Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable.

As the women continue to chat about their love and marriage lives, they realized they were actually in relationships with toxic men. Some of these guys displayed traits resembling Seductive Manipulative Cheating Liars, Angry Bullying Control Freaks, Instigating Backstabbing Meddlers, Me-Myself-and-I Narcissists, and Self-Destructive Gloom-and-Doom Victims, to name a few.

People with these kinds of personalities are usually dubbed as abusive in one or more forms because, in their general day-to-day conduct, they do or say things, which are synonymous with people who have abusive personalities. It’s their life pattern.

Around their toxic men, these women felt frustrated and belittled, helpless, hopeless, depressed, fearful, angry, guilty, ashamed, regretful, emotionally exhausted, oppressed, repressed, trapped, unenthused, and the list of negative emotions these men educe from them goes on.

Now, both men and women can have toxic personalities. The ironic thing about being in relationships with toxic people is they might not be toxic in the eyes of another. You may have heard the saying, “One man’s meat is another man’s poison.” (more like one woman’s poison is another woman’s meat). Similarly, “one person’s thrash is another person’s treasure.”

Such inconsistency comes because of personality clashes. Where two persons would clash, those same two persons would individually jell with another. One person may overlook toxicity in his or her partner, or have a greater tolerance for it compared to someone else, and this can explain the inconsistencies in the proverbial one person’s trash, the other person’s treasure saying.

At the end of the afternoon meeting, the group of women decided that the only way to experience pleasurable living and ease their daily burdens and issues with their spouses was to declutter. They knew they had to remove themselves from these relationships, one way or the other, in other to be able to feel themselves again.

In many cases, toxic people do not change. This is because their behavior is a direct result of mental disorders. A trained and professional psychologist would be able to detect these personalities and be able suggest appropriate therapy.

Finally, people might tell you to change yourself to suit ‘toxics,’ but what’s the point? Why should anyone have to compromise their own personality in order to suit someone with a toxic personality, or to sustain an already bad relationship? Isn’t it like telling someone they should stay in an abusive relationship, or that they should change their behavior to appease the abuser? Would that stop the abuse?

You may like How to Deal With Toxic People (external link)

How to Fight an Emotional Vampire

 http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/how-to-deal-with-toxic-people/

How about taking the toxic people quiz? Follow the (external) link below

 http://www.drlillianglass.com/quizzes/toxic-people-quiz/

Can you think of any toxic person in your life? How do they affect you? Isn’t it time to recognize and rid your life of toxic people? Feel free to leave your comments below.

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Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Why Women Continue to Stay in Abusive Relationships.

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Stay safe. Speak out against domestic violence. Use this hotline for help and more information. Call 1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org./

Read When Your Abuser Denies the Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this week America is celebrating the cause of women who have survived domestic violence as well step up the campaign of advocacy against domestic violence against women, men, and children.

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we recognize the significant achievements we have made in reducing domestic violence in America, and we recommit ourselves to the important work still before us. Despite tremendous progress, an average of three women in America die as a result of domestic violence each day. One in four women and one in thirteen men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. These statistics are even more sobering when we consider that domestic violence often goes unreported.

The ramifications of domestic violence are staggering. Young women are among the most vulnerable, suffering the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Exposure to domestic violence puts our young men and women in danger of long-term physical, psychological, and emotional harm. Children who experience domestic violence are at a higher risk for failure in school, emotional disorders, and substance abuse, and are more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence themselves later in life.

Read the full proclamation by President Obama by accessing the link here:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/10/03/presidential-proclamation-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month

Considering the latest statistics, that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, this is not only an eye-opening figure, but one has to go on further to ask why many times victims remain in their abusive relationships. It is a topical issue which has plagued the minds of advocates and those who work to understand the gamut of issues surrounding domestic violence and victims’ response.

Woman to Woman Blog Talk decided to share a few comments we have received from women themselves who either have been or are in domestic violence relationships/marriages or work to assist victims. The question was posed, WHY DO SOME WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?

Read Mary Battafuoco's story of survival click My Survival Story

My Hypothetical Divorce says:

“I have to chime in- even at 56k way up in the mountains. The first and most devastating reason that women stay is illustrated by the statistical evidence that, WOMEN WHO ARE IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED WHEN THEY TRY TO LEAVE THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME.

Even women who perhaps haven’t heard about this instinctually know that they are at high risk when they endeavor to leave. It’s really just simple addition. “He’s nuts, he’s volatile and if I leave it’s gonna most definitely piss him off. High stress + change = unpredictable results.

For many women, I think the second reason is CHILDREN.

For women already in crisis, the emotional and financial costs of leaving may seem insurmountable when a child’s health and well being are also at stake. It’s easy to say… “Hey, forget it! If I have to live in my car for a couple of months, I’ll be fine, when you are not a parent.” It’s not easy to uproot a child, especially if no harm has ever come to the child, just to ensure your own safety. Most battered women with children have already been controlled by their abuser with isolation and financial dependency. That leaves women with very few resources to fend for themselves, much less protect and provide for a child.

The fact that our family courts are broken into pieces doesn’t help either. Some women find the task of a divorce terrifying when our courts favor the parent most likely to co-operate. Battered women are seen as over protective in private courtrooms and currently many of their children have been or will be sent with their abusive fathers (who appear more composed in court), only to be battered themselves or even die.

Women who are aware of this epidemic, as well as women who are not, have good reason to fear divorce and custody battles that they engage their abusers in. Abusive people are, after all, astoundingly good manipulators.

So that’s my beef with the question as to why women stay in abusive relationships. That’s why my divorce is “hypothetical”."

Dede says:

"I am so glad I found this site. 17 years ago I left an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and vowed I would never let myself think about it again. In the past few weeks I find it rearing it’s ugly little head and feel I really need to deal with it or I will never be happy again. All of the things that I’ve read in this blog are so true. The men isolate you from all your friends so you are alone, and belong only to them (in their mind).

I had no idea that anyone else felt like this, really no idea. Or maybe I just didn’t let myself think about it. I locked it in an emotional safe and forgot the combination.

The man I was with started out as romantic, passionate, caring, demonstrative, and we had the best sexual relationship ever. I had no idea it could be that good. But that good became bad after about 10 months or so as began to pick fights with me because he loved make-up sex. It was like being raped after awhile but no slapping or hitting… just wearing me down until I submitted. How could I do that? I have always been a strong woman who never let any man boss her around. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid. And the funny thing is, I don’t like using the word ‘stupid’, but after that relationship I have been using it a lot. I think that’s the first thing I’ll change as of right this minute.

I was blinded by his words, always telling me he loved me and saying how beautiful I was. I was a good looking woman, so I didn’t really need him to tell me I was, but he did it so often that I guess I grew to like it. Also, the ‘I love you” all the time. That blinded me.

And here is something interesting. He was trying to make me think I was crazy. He would mention a movie and say ‘remember how we laughed at it’ or something like that. The first time I really wondered if I had forgotten it. But as time went on I made sure I remembered everything so I wouldn’t have to wonder, and he did it to me again and again. Telling me I had said things a couple of hours before, and I knew I didn’t, because that would not have been something I wanted to do or say. He was evil. And he did it all in the pretense of being super religious. Wow.

So, I’m coming back to this site and I hope other women find it. I have a lot of healing to do and forgiving of myself, because some day I would really like to have a nice healthy, happy, non-abusive relationship with a man. That would be nice. But I’m not settling ever again. And I am so critical of men who are nice to me now.

Women need to band together. We are strong and we deserve to be treated right. That’s the truth.

I love you all, my sisters. We can all get through this together."

Barbara says:

"Not only do I have a blog but I mentor women online coming out of abusive relationships. I learned something HUGE – Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, brainwashed, mind controlled women who are bonded to the abuse and simply can’t even think about leaving. Fear and brainwashing keep them in the relationship.

I strongly recommend every woman get and read a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA. It’s not on Amazon – there’s a link on my blog and I don’t make a dime on it. It’s vital information – don’t be put off by the title. You’ll learn loads about the victim side of the abuse dynamic.

Vist my website at http://abusedsanctuary.blogsot.com/

Domestic Violence Awareness Month evolved from the first Day of Unity observed in October, 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The intent was to connect battered women advocates across the nation who were working to end violence against women and their children. The Day of Unity soon became a special week when a range of activities were conducted at the local, state, and national levels. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.ncadv.org/ )"

You might also like The Police Role in the Fight Against Domestic Violence

Feel free to share your comments below.

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Tips on Marketing Yourself

In today’s commercialized world, almost everyone is caught up marketing something, their business, their products, their services. But what about you, have you been marketing YOU? What are you showing to the world? What are you telling it about yourself? Are you hiding your gifts and talents? If you have it, why not flaunt it?

When I talk about “marketing” you, about “flaunting” it, I’m not only referring to the external you, what people see when they look at you physically. Yes, your shape, hair, face, skin and all that are part of you, but what really defines you? No doubt, some are of the opinion that what behold the eyes is what defines them, full stop. No, no, there has to be more to you. We each were born with a measure of talent and some kind of gift to use as part of our purpose in life.

While it’s a good thing to practice modesty, at the same time, modesty should be practiced in moderation. You don’t have to feel full of yourself if you reveal your skills, gifts and talents. That’s why you have them. Not to hide them, not to brag about them, but to use for the fulfillment of self and others. If you know you’re intelligent or smart or that you’re a genius, don’t pretend you are not. By doing so, you can stifle your opportunities for progress.

In fact, the whole idea behind marketing yourself is to maximize success. And this can start from things that are very simple. For example, when you apply for a job, you are placed in a setting of competition. You become a competitor against all the other persons who are applying for the same job. How you write, what you write and what information is presented about yourself will determine whether you are placed in a good position to be shortlisted for an interview and ultimately land yourself that very job.

If you know how to market you, then this task becomes easy, even if you do not necessarily have all the qualification and skills the employer is looking for. Your presentation is what will impress them, even before they see you face-to-face.

General tips on marketing yourself?

Communicate well: Communication can be oral, written or by body language. You don’t have to try to impress by using all the ‘big’ words you know. But if you practice good, clear and sincere speech, you are bound to create a good impression. Furthermore, in being mannerly, e.g., greeting those you meet, “good morning sir” or “maam” (as the case may be), all add up to determining how well you communicate. If you’re having a bad day, or you are uncomfortable about something or someone in your presence, your face does NOT need to tell the story!

Dress: Dress suitably, dress well. How many times have you heard it being said, “You are how you dress?” Sounds simple, right? Well it’s an actuality. What you wear equally creates an impression as does what you say. In fact, the first impression is created often times by what you’re wearing, long before you utter a single word.

Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and LinkedIn are excellent social media forum to market yourself, your ideas, skills, talent. These media can also help you to get discovered and bam, you’re on your way to greater things!

Networking: “Embrace the power of networking by attending networking events with your business card and portfolio. Networking is going to be your spokesperson when used effectively, for others will recommend you based on quality experiences with your products or services.” (ehow)

Association: Associate yourself with the right people, perhaps people who have similar vision, ideals or goals as you. Who you associate with or the products you promote all affect the perception people have of you. Perception is usually often more powerful than the thing itself so give positive perceptions in everything that you do.

Finally, remember, “Marketing is a skill that takes persistence to sell yourself as a bona fide professional that is appealing to an employer or customer [or, in the social arena, as a friend or colleague].” So market yourself well and set yourself apart from the rest.

Have you been marketing yourself, letting people know your talents, skills, natural gifts? What other suggestions do you have? Please comment below.

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Which Public Restroom Should Her Father Take Her to?

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Parenting includes taking necessary actions and making judgment calls in the best interest of the child. Let us take a father having to accompany his daughter to a public restroom. Which one should he take her to, the men’s or the women’s, and how does he determine which one is the right restroom to take her to? On a number of occasions, my observing eyes have seen men walking into the men’s restroom with little girls. Apart from hoping the man is actually her father or some trusted, close relative, the sight keeps evoking the question: “Is he taking her to the right restroom?”

Let us explore the underlying issues to see whether this practice is socially and morally, and even legally acceptable, and if not, what course of action should be taken in these circumstances.

Young children need to be accompanied to public restrooms to ensure they are protected and safe from pedophiles and kidnappers, or any person who targets children to do them harm.

Nothing should bar a father from accompanying his little girl to the restroom, public or private, except he is a pedophile and/or cannot be trusted. The same principle applies to any male relative or friend of the child or child’s family. In fact, where it can be avoided, the mother or a female should accompany the child to the restroom, though in all fairness we have to agree that women too have harmed children. But it is perhaps more than three times less likely for a female to harm the child than it is for a male to do so. This is obvious due to the male female attraction, and mind you, fathers and daughters are not exempted from this kind of erotic, but taboo, physical attraction. This somewhat often innocent sexual attraction is explained as an Electra complex. Psychologists may tell you that the existence of the Electra complex and the Oedipus complex , as in the case of mother-son attraction, are the roots of incestuous relations between parents and children, where they occur.

In terms of the legality of the practice, we have to ask the broad question, i.e., “Is it illegal for persons to enter restrooms designed to accommodate the opposite sex?” This would be kind of tricky to answer especially since each state may have its own laws pertaining to the issue. You might however have seen a two-in-one public restroom, where either a man or a woman is free to enter and use.

Barring this, at the end of the day, when it comes to who should take little girls to the restroom and which restroom should be used, it comes down to what is the more, natural and socially acceptable practice. However, the greater underlying issue is, even if it is okay for a father or male relative to accompany a young girl to the restroom, taking her to the male restroom presents a problem, the same way taking her to the female restroom will. If the child is taken to the male restroom (we all know how these restrooms are generally set up usually allowing men to pee openly) there is a high risk that she may see all kinds of male genitals, which she ought not to be exposed to as a child.

On the flip side, the father or male relative may get into trouble with the law if he walks into the female restroom, albeit he is simply accompanying his little girl. Women are more concerned with violation of their privacy in this regard more than men might be. This doesn’t suggest that it is more okay for a female to enter and use the male restroom, whether it is an adult female or child female.

It might be reasonable to hold that despite it is socially or legally unacceptable for a male to use the female restroom or vice versa, the exception should be where a parent of the opposite sex needs to accompany a young child, girl or boy, to the restroom of their respective gender. This is a matter for public policy and public health and safety considerations.

Again, parenting includes taking necessary action and making judgment calls in the best interest of the child. Where there may be no expressed rules or laws prohibiting or sanctioning cross-gender use of public restrooms, the onus in on parents to think it through and make the best possible decision in the interest of the child.

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Do you think it’s improper for a father/male guardian to take a daughter to a public male restroom? What about if he takes her to the public female restroom?

Feel free to leave your comment below.

Pamper Yourself and Feel Like a Million Bucks!

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Woman, pamper yourself and DO NOT feel guilty for doing it. You deserve it and more!

You see, a major mistake some women make is to forget to pamper themselves. I don’t want to jump to conclusions here but my good sense is telling me that failing to treat herself may be an indication of how much that woman actually loves herself. Hold on—I know self-pampering depends on things like time and money. Many women are so caught up in the day-to-day affairs of being wife, mother and employee and are screaming for time to just sit and relax. PS: who said when you become a wife or a mother you should let up on yourself? That’s more the reasons why you need to pamper up—you’re busy taking care of everyone else. If you don’t have time, you make it!

Pampering also means money and not every woman has the financial resources to go all out to do herself. But listen, you don’t have to have a lot of cash to take care of you. Who said you had to go on a shopping spree or to the salon each time you feel like doing some self-pampering?

Taking care of yourself is much more than that. Of course getting the hair, face, toes and nails looking slick is a must but you can do simple things like, buy yourself a gift, a fancy bottle of your favorite wine etc.

I have a simple way of pampering myself without spending any money. I go to the kitchen, take out the most expensive stemmed wine glass and pour whatever I feel like drinking into it. As I am getting my drink I talk to myself. I say “You are important than anyone else in this world. Use this expensive glass, you’re worth it. Don’t wait until you have an occasion to drink from it.” Then I sit, cross my legs and sip. Awweee, I immediately get a sense of inner satisfaction.

Other times I tell everyone that I’m taking a vacation—yea I’m still in the house, but I down tools and just enjoy me. Read a book, watch my favorite shows, watch a good movie, order take-out, buy cheesecake and yes—shopping!

Buy a bouquet of your favorite flowers, some fashion jewellery, take a bubble bath, paint your toes, tweeze your brows, wear lingerie—feel sexy….there is so much you can do without emptying your pocket.

Charity begins at home. In this crazy fast world, you have to remember to slow down and unwind, savouring the moments while you immerse in you. People will treat you like you treat yourself. When they see that you go the extra mile to take care of you, they will know that they cannot bring substandard treatment to you. They will also respect you for that and perhaps love you more because they realize that you’re someone who take yourself seriously and love yourself well.

Don’t make that mistake of letting yourself go. Pamper yourself today and you will see, it will make you feel like a million dollars!

Let’s talk ladies. Do you pamper yourself and how do you do it?

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