Achieving Happiness and Living the Good Life

By D. Cummings

Inspired by Repacking Your Bags: How to Live With a New Sense of Purpose by Leider and Shapiro, 1995

Have you ever tried to figure out what really it means to be happy, and what is the sum total of it? What about "what does it feel like to be happy?" A bit of redundancy here already? Well, in some ways achieving happiness and the good life does require you to practice redundancy but not to the point of "insanity" where you're doing the same thing over and over though expecting a different result. You'll come to understand what I'm referring to when I discuss the unpacking and repacking process. In short, HAPPINESS = living in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work, on purpose.

A life without purpose is no life at all, really. And purpose is essentially a sum total of your talents, passion and environment times your vision. (Talents + Passion + Environment) x Vision. For most of us, perhaps except for those who have already repacked their bags, and continue to do so at necessitated intervals, living the good life, that all-emcompassing prosperous life, would require some introspection, retrospection, admissions (not being in denial) strategising, and changes, major changes.

In effect, in order to live and enjoy the good life, a life tainted with happiness and the simplicities of happiness, we would have to unpack and repack our bags, and do so with a renewed sense of purpose. Then and only then will we be able to yank ourselves out of the burdens of the present and of the past and therefore lighten our load for our future endeavours. This said unpacking and repacking exercise we will be called upon to do throughout our lives as we consistently invoke the repacking principle at various junctures and crossroads

UNPACKING?

Unpacking can take various forms, but at the end of the day it surrounds changes, letting go, restructuring, and reassumptions pertaining to the place you live, the people you love, your work, and your purpose, whether it be your general purpose or a given purpose at a certain period of your life.

You might well be aware of people, including celebrities who engage in a tell-all, e.g., in an autobiographic recount (book, documentary,movie, etc) documenting their past. Hurts and pains, joys and laughters, tears, opportunities and mistakes...pretty much everything. "I'm gay." "I'm a lesbian." "I've cheated on my spouse." "I have a love child." Or confessions about committing this or that sin or crime or immorality. The list can be non-exhaustive. I guess this is what we call "airing your dirty laundry." I have to say, and you may agree, that it takes a lot of character, and guts, to expose one's ass out there like that.

Notwithstanding, this example is one of the more major forms of unpacking (as opposed to unpacking in private) since it exposes one's self to public scrutiny and public scorn, possibly public condemnation based on what is revealed in the unpacking process. Big a risk as it is and considering you could 'shoot yourself in the foot', possibly self-destroy your reputation, I'm almost certain that this consideration is forefront before publication of the the information. However, when the need to unpack your baggages become exceedingly overwhelming, unpacking before public eye tend to become secondary to saving one's reputation.

Many people who unpacked in public like that have testified of how "light" and unburdened they feel to go on and live their lives. Do you think you have the heart for that? Think about it. Would you survive public scrutiny? How would you go about unpacking those skeletons in your closet? What would it require? Can you fully unpack or would you reserve some things? Until you fully unpack, whether all at once, or gradually, whether in public or in private, you will not be able to truly enjoy the good life.

Incidentally though the courage to unpack and repack our bags is usually hindered a great deal by our personal values, which often times is shaped by the traditions and culture in in which we were reared. For example, "Our culture has traditionally taught us that shouldering the same load no matter what the circumstances is more honorable than unpacking our bags and letting go. We hang in there because we are conditioned to believe that we are failures if our relationships or jobs end. In fact, it may just be the opposite. Making that discovery is what repacking is all about." (Unpacking Your Bags; Leider and Shapiro)

And the good life, might I point out, is far from "the perfect life," for there's no such thing though living in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work, on purpose may be the closest you can get to the "perfect" life. The good life offers joys and satisfaction even if you're not filthy rich!

PLACE: Where do I belong?

Place speaks of the appropriate physical location. Have you ever considered that each one of us was meant to belong in a particular place? And belonging in a specific place is not necessarily constant. As reasons and seasons change the place we belong may change in order to enable us to embark on or adapt to new dispositions in life. Disposal of the former location for the new one.

An essential question is, how does one determine the place he or she belongs? It is natural to assume that you're in the right place if the people you love and care for, and they you, are living with you or close enough. Those are the people that add value to your life. Sometimes these people may not be living in your house or street but are in close proximity or are easily accessible.

LOVE: Who are the people you love?

This factor is pretty much self-explanatory. But these are the people, e.g., family members, who make your daily life worth living and are worth all the sacrifices you make to maintain those relationships. Needless to say, the love spoken of here extends to people who are also not related by blood, for example, your neighbors, friends, colleagues...pretty much people who you have common interests and deeply connected bonds with.

WORK: What is the right work?

Doing the right work consists of being occupied in a vocation that you chose and not one that chose you. It is also one that reflects your talent, passions, values, and vision. Equally essential is the environment in which you feel most comfortable using your talents to demonstrate your passion. When environment complements our values, passion, talents, it reinforces that feeling of doing the right job. The right job of course is not 'the perfect job.' " When we talk to those who are energized by their work, and who are truly enjoying it, we notice they are not in "perfect jobs." But, they are in situations that they have chosen freely."

More recognizably, "The perfect job isn't a standard of living. It's a state of mind and a state of being. In the perfect job, you're applying the talents you enjoy most to an interest you're passionate about, in an environment that fit who you are and what you value."

PURPOSE: What is your purpose?

Incidentally, doing the right work is linked to your purpose and this serves to make achieving the good life much easier and simpler. In living a purpose driven purposeful life you are engaging your talents, passion, and vision in a conducive environment in order to yield that utter personal satisfaction of living and being alive. At the same time, and perhaps equally important, you are helping others and advancing your community.

So are you ready to unpack and repack and start living the good life? Or are you still waiting until you have all your ducks in a row?

Remember there is no perfect time to start living the good life. Just grab the opportunity when your soul is begging you. That time might be right now.

Find a friend, call up a confidante and offload. Make decisions, end bad relationships, throw away unused things, and people. Do your inventory and narrow your life to a point of substance. Everything else that you can live without you throw out. Discard even to relationships and non-item things if you must. In this long and trying journey of life you don't need the extra unnecessary baggages.

Begin the good life. It's going to be a lifelong process of inventorizing your life but it's worth it. You will continue to adjust and adapt in the areas of the place you live, the people you love, your work, and your purpose to suit your current needs at the time. In other words you continuously reshape and refine your good life making it better one chapter at a time. Live your good life today!

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Mary Aguilar Battafuoco: Battered Survivor Dared to Break the Silence on Domestic Violence

Mary Aguilar Battafuoco

Exclusive Woman of the Month Feature

By Olivia J, Scott CLICK 2 LIKE us on FACEBOOK

Meet our woman of the month; the vibrant, enthusiastic, aspiring actor Mary Aguilar Buttafuoco. She’s been chosen as our woman of the month because she defied the odds of spousal violence, protected her children, and escaped what could have become the jaws of death. Her strength, resilience, boldness and newfound confidence are refreshing inspiration for women like herself, in fact, for every woman.

Mary is a woman of talent and one with a special story which every woman needs to know. In a past season of her life, her beautiful face bore the vivid evidence of domestic violence. Although it is not a label any woman wishes to be attached to her name or face, like millions of women across the world, Mary, who once appeared in the television series, The Sopranos, is a battered woman---a survivor of domestic battery. But to not use the “battered woman” label would be to diminish the reality and effects of the horrors battered women go through, some on a daily basis. It is often literally a battle for survival!

Back in the late 1970’s, and living in Westminster, California at the time, Mary found herself trapped in an unstable, unhappy, and abusive marriage. Having children with her then husband, and due to lack of financial resources, amongst other important factors, she realized she was in nothing short of a dilemma. She wanted to leave her abusive husband and marriage, as you would imagine every battered woman will want to do, but constrained by her circumstances, Mary was forced to stay with her husband.

Mary knew the abuse was wrong but hoped and believed, naturally, that the abuse would stop. It got worse! This is the normal pattern of abuse. An abusive relationship doesn’t start out with abuse; it gradually becomes one, and the unsuspecting victims feel the blunt of it. Mary’s relationship was no different. Her and her husband’s relationship began on a high and led to marriage, a marriage which would turn violent.

Her ex husband’s alcohol addiction, added to his tendencies to abuse, served up a dangerous mixture which would eventually lead to Mary eventually fleeing for her life!

Those Mary trusted to help stop the abuse and, more specifically, the Jehovah Witness congregation of which her and her husband were a part, turned a blind eye. They made her feel as if she was at fault, and encouraged her to be a ‘better’ wife, and to ‘pray’ more.

“I spoke several times about the violence and the excuse was that I wasn't doing enough. I wasn't a good wife, I didn't pray enough. I wondered how they knew how much I prayed. After several attempts to talk to the elders, nothing was done, and I had nowhere to turn.”

This latter testimony is not one unheard of. Many victims of abuse have complained of being told by their religious leaders that they might be doing something bad or wrong and must work on themselves to become ‘better’ and ‘submissive’ wives, and to pray more. Blinded by rigid adherence to scriptures, some religious leaders may be as culpable as the batterers themselves, when they take an absolute position that whatever the man is doing must be justified, and that it must be that the woman is a bad, unsubmissive, disrespectful, or unfaithful wife…, whatever lies their partner may concoct and present to these leaders to cover up the truth of their sins.

Everything in life is relative to the circumstances, and in no way should battered women, whose lives and the lives of their children are endangered, be asked or forced to remain in the marriage or relationship which is destroying them and children. But no one wants to be blamed for the destruction of any marriage, so to save face, they, we, encourage women to stay in the face of present dangers.

Nevertheless, and though she knew she was doing her utmost, Mary took the advice of the church and worked on becoming a ‘better’ wife and mother.

Mary’s beatings and injuries inflicted by her husband ranged from a battered and unrecognizable face, belt beatings, and being left stranded on the road, about 60 miles away from their home.

“My neighbor heard my screams and told me that I am a battered woman, and I needed to call this number she gave me. I hesitated to call, but finally did, and to my surprise the counselor said to me, "When you come here you will think you are married to all these husbands". No my husband is a Jehovah Witness, "I thought in my mind"! I saw there was no difference when I went to the shelter. Well, I decided that I needed to go for help….I needed help! Emotionally and financially!...So I left everything behind with my children to live in the shelter. They helped me with food and shelter. The brothers [from the church] didn't help me at all. They still didn't disfellowship him [my ex husband], even knowing the truth. You just don't go to a shelter for nothing.”

Being left stranded on the road was a part of the emotional and psychological abuse Mary suffered at the hands of her ex. She was told she was a bad mother and wife, and her husband turned the church congregation against her by telling them that she didn’t like them.

“He was always saying I had a problem with the headship and the brothers would go along with what he was telling them, placing all the blame on me. I tried repeatedly to please Jehovah, but the more I did the worse he became. He turned my children against me, telling them that I was a bad mother because I was disfellowshipped and I don't love Jehovah. I was in a helpless position. Before leaving for field service, He would beat me. I could never please him or the organization. I almost lost my little baby boy that ran in the street and I screamed as he said, "Daddy told me, I don't have to listen to you". It was as if I was being tortured by my own family.”

Despite she had relatives in New York she could travel to, the headship of the church forbade Mary from leaving her marriage.

“I felt as if the entire world didn't understand and I couldn't go to my family in NY as they weren't Jehovah Witnesses, so I didn't want to disgrace Jehovah's organization. My ex-husband told me that he wanted me to get a job, so I found a job in a French Restaurant as a hostess. While working, I spilt a drink on myself. When I returned home, he accused me of letting someone kiss me. He beat me so bad with belts, and I thought to myself, " This is one of Jehovah Witnesses?" Something is wrong here. I couldn't understand how a loving organization could put up with this evil person. I was disfellowshiped for smoking, but wife beating and turning children against their parent is tolerated. I could never do enough and I felt like I was a whipping post for everyone.”

Mary’s children were not spared of the drama and spinoffs of the abuse and unstable marriage.

“When I came out of the shelter, trying to put my life together, he kidnapped my children. Different brothers and sisters from the church were hiding my children, even a local elder. I didn't drive, so I took buses going from town to town to find them. I finally told the police and then they returned them.”

Mary’s ex husband eventually divorced her and married a sister from the church, leaving Mary and her kids to carry on with the physical and emotional scars. However, she refuses to let her experiences define her. She challenged herself to move on and thrive and to break the silence on what was happening between the walls of her apparently ‘happy’ home.

"My heart was broken, and that terrified me. I had to go through life being disfellowshipped, wearing a label that I didn't create and being cast aside like a piece of dirt, but I am back now and I want others to know, you are not alone. We don't have to suffer in silence anymore. I don't care now, and I won't be what others want me to be, because I am me. Either accept me for who I am or don't, but I will not change! I love life, and as long as I am alive, I will speak out for others in distress. I want to thank everyone who gave me a voice and also God for not allowing me to lose my mind over all this stress and heartbreak."

Notable Accomplishments

• In 2002, Mary played a cousin on the hit HBO series “The Sopranos.”

• She currently hosts her own show on Blog Talk Radio, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ called “Victims Speak Out”.

You’ve just gotta love Mary Aguilar Buttafuoco. She is one of the women who dared to break the silence kept about domestic abuse. She spoke out and lived! And so can you. No longer is domestic violence something victims must keep hush, hush. It never was, but society made them feel as if they would be outcasts if they came out and told the horrific stories of violence, physical, emotional, psychological, and the most dreaded sexual violence they suffered at the hands of the men who were their partners or spouses and who claimed to love them. Society and sometimes, unfortunately, the legal and justice systems, and popular public opinions force women to stay, and then turn around and ask them, “Why did you stay? Why didn't you leave him?” And when they leave, society may contribute to the violent experiences and re-victimization by casting blame and shame on victims. The dilemma never ends until victims stand up and say STOP!

You do not have to suffer in silence. There are people, groups, and organizations which care. Get help and get it now!

Mary has moved on from surviving to thriving. She’s no longer a victim; she’s a survivor. Her story is tangible proof that your abuser does not have to control you for the rest of your life. Though no one wishes abuse on his or her self, when you move onto thriving, you defeat the plan of your abuser, which is to defeat you by violating you in all possible ways, even through skillful use of the legal and criminal justice systems.

Mary assures us that, “If anyone needs to speak out, I WILL LISTEN!” And we here at Woman to Woman Blog Talk will listen too. You no longer have to suffer in silence....

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